Creating the Life I Want

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to the kind of life I want to live, and the values I want to embody. There is a stark contrast between that life and the life I am living. It's not about what I can afford. I don't want an extravagant life or even an opulent one (though moments of that are certainly welcome and enjoyed). I just want a life that includes a lot of time outside, a lot of time helping other people and a lot of time working on causes that are important to me, like loving the Earth, human rights and little things like that.

So I started by taking a hard look at the life I am living, and this is ongoing. The assessment includes an analysis of my time and money and energy, for the most part - because isn't that what effects life most? I also think about my health in a holistic way, which is to say physical, mental and spiritual. How does that factor in? I've started to identify behaviors that are actual barriers to what I want my life to look like. And then, on a small but steady scale, I'm trying to make changes.

The first thing I did was to stop the gaming madness. Gaming has been a long time way to blow off steam, but more and more it's always a way to isolate myself from the people and the world around me. So I removed all Facebook games with a nice note to those I'd been gaming with. I cancelled my WoW account. And I've managed to stay away from the siren call of the Xbox. I have to revisit my vow nearly daily to not mindlessly fall back into the games, but that's why I removed them from their platforms. If I have to go through the trouble of reloading them, I have to think about why I'm doing it. That's stopped me each time.

I'm figuring out the spiritual stuff kind of as I go. Being in a seminary environment is really forcing an examination of, well, everything. If you've been reading, then you already saw the Witch or Druid post. Fortunately I don't think it has to be such a binary decision. I have been doing a lot of work to add pieces of druidic practice back into what I'm doing, and that feels exactly right. But it's taking more time, which brings me back to the study of how I currently spend my time and energy and what I can move, reduce or eliminate to make room for creating the life I want.

I'm getting older, you know? And all that "I'll figure it out later" stuff I used to tell myself isn't working. Regardless of whether or not you believe in reincarnation, there is a finite amount of time I have in this body and this time to learn the lessons I want to learn.

I'm also on the look-out for a good therapist, but it really needs to be one on my insurance. Right now I'm a little impatient because the ONE person on my area who isn't CBT/Brief Therapy-oriented is full (of course she is - she's the only one doing what she's doing). I'm holding out for the right person. I'm not in crisis, but I do want an excellent co-navigator to help me move through these changes. She may have some openings in September, and I'm hoping that works out.

This isn't the first time I've done this, and it's sort of a spiraling thing. I dance with this and each time a little more seems to shift, or I see it from a different perspective. It's the work of life for me, and I'm grateful for those people who still support me as I move through it, even if it's not in directions that make sense to anyone but me. Because at the end of it all, that will be it, won't it. What I got out of it. Not anyone else. Good for people-pleasing me to remember.

Witch or Druid?

You may remember my points from a recent post about what's working me now.  I'm working with a seminary that is unabashedly (and even beautifully) Wiccan. Whole-heartedly Wiccan, from the ritual style to theology to areas of interest (forms of healing humans, herbs, chakras, etc). I love them for being so Wiccan because nowadays it can be hard.

Because Wicca has been one of the more visible traditions (even accused of having privilege!), it's also been one that's often denigrated, sometimes rightfully and sometimes from a place of something kind of ugly. It can be difficult, for example, to go into traditions that value scholarship - sharp, supported scholarship - and claim my Wiccan past. If I do claim it, I am expected almost immediately to discount it. If I don't, then my own scholarship and ability to be discerning is sometimes called into question.

What I'm concerned about lately is whether I have any business representing myself as Wiccan clergy, particularly with the ATC. Why? Because I diverge pretty strongly on my theology of divinity. I moved away from the All, from the Lord and Lady as facets, or interchangeable parts, quite awhile back. And stepping back in has been both familiar and uncomfortable. Familiar because it's a form I know, language that was part of my early spiritual growth. For me, it was the first step away from a monotheistic model of the divine. Uncomfortable because it no longer fits how I experience the divine, and yet it is truly central to Wicca, and particularly to Wicca that is strongly influenced by British Traditional Wicca. How do I honestly teach a class without owning that my own definition of the gods has changed, and the Lord and Lady and the attendant term Consort no longer really work for me.

I also have a problem with the concept of polarity as it is currently discussed. It's not enough to say "Oh, we don't actually mean gender identity" when we use the words masculine and feminine. Those terms are inherently laden with gender assumption. If we truly wanted to explain polarity and take it away from male/female and into a place of gender-neutral discussion, we could. But there's a lot of traditional gender roles woven into the fabric of Wicca. That's not a value statement, it just seems to be something that is and it's not really working for me. In fact, it's always been something that doesn't make sense to me. If we all embody both aspects of polarity (which is a very dualistic perspective, by the by), then why does gender (either identity or cis) enter into the equation? Because it's a fertility ritual? Even in nature gender can be fluid. So the male-to-female or female-to-male components of so many rituals feels a bit contrived and illogical.

And I'm missing the stronger tie to the Earth, to the Mother. While healing people is a fine and weighty thing, I find myself wanting to focus on the Earth, to tie my practice to that. And this is where the Druids come in.

I have always loved the elements of scholarship in ADF. The training is pretty great, and even more so, I imagine, if a person is lucky enough to have a grove nearby. Given my draw to the Irish pantheon, and ADF's room for a broader expression of the divine, it's a great home for me in the very same theological sense that can make me feel out of place with my traditional Wiccan peers. But the balance here shifts towards the dogmatic, and this is the place where it can be a challenge to speak about having a Wiccan background without a lot of assumptions being made.

Druidry and BTW (British Traditional Wicca) share a lot of ritual traits in terms of liturgy. It's more about ritual theater than it is about experiential ritual. While I reserve space for ritual theater, I prefer it to be balanced with ritual that invites me to participate, and moreover, with ritual that allows me to have my own experience through careful use of language and ritual components. So both leave me a little cold in this area, but it feels as though this could be more about needing to spend more time with groups in the flesh, rather than online.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking it's something I should share with the folks I'm working with at the seminary. And I'm thinking I am probably missing some blinding thing here. I spent a fair amount of time eschewing labels, and I still get that, but ultimately found that what happened is that I just fell away from everyone, away from communities. That's not what I want.

And a third thing to throw in - I am really enjoying my UU interactions. I'm sure the fact that it's in person has a great deal to do with that. I keep hearing there are Pagans there. I'm waiting to meet them. I'm thinking maybe I need to do something to make it so. Certainly in a prior "life" I did a lot of that kind of work and I loved it. Maybe just a discussion group. Gods know I could certainly come up with topics... and facilitate the hell out of them. Because I got THAT out of college if nothing else.

What's Working Me Now

Coming back to a full-time spiritual practice (and training) following mundane grad school is proving to be challenging in ways I wouldn't have expected. Here's what's working me over.

• Raising my educational level (and arguably, life experience level) has lowered my tolerance for shoddy scholarship and shady claims. I already had a sensitive BS-o-Meter, and now it's more so. I also have a hard time with ignorance of larger systems (i.e. oppression, ecological and on and on).

• I have a lot of baggage preventing me from returning to my most recent tradition, some related to point one, but most related to boundaries and community dynamics and tradition foundations and experiences I had between 2004 and 2011. Even if I worked through this baggage (and I desperately need to, likely with some assistance), I don't think I can or will return to that tradition. There are too many things surrounding the pieces I like (namely ritual style and commitment to the Earth).

• I don't experience the gods as psychological constructs or thoughtforms or facets of one (or two) divine force(s). I experience them as distinct, part of a larger cultural context (including other gods) and accompanied by ancestors, nature spirits and other beings.

• I see value in melding scholarship (i.e. knowing your gods and their culture and their historical contexts) with form with ecstatic ritual AND formalized, structured, accessible training programs (that use some great spiritual leadership components rather than sage-on-the-stage models) - and I don't see this happening. Anywhere. Certainly not in a place accessible to me.

• Speaking of ecstatic ritual, I also have experienced growth and emotional breakthrough as a result of participating in ritual theater - not as an actor, mind you, but as a witness. The ecstatic ritual community often seems to view this as an either/or proposition, and I feel it is both/and. So add ritual theater to the above list of things I value. It's a new addition, but one I'm glad I'm shifting on. (The ritual theater community tends to be intensely uncomfortable trusting themselves without a script. I've been there, and I get it, but I've seen magic happen via improv - which is what I think ecstatic ritual feels like to them - too.)

Thinking about this for the past several weeks, I thought again about how I often find myself in liminal places. In fact, I often seek these liminal places out - I even live in one, a place where land, sea, sky and river meets, working at a place where people stop to gather resources to continue with their path, or forge a new one. I crave that mist-shrouded space, but I find myself most often alone there. I never quite feel like I fit completely into one space. I'm always straddling the line. And I NEVER intentionally "drink the kool-aid" - that's just anathema to me. Sometimes that makes me unpopular.

I am missing a person to talk to regularly about this stuff when it comes up. Hoping to find a person to fit that space soon. In the meantime, I'll just keep walking here at the edge and doing the work.

Wuv... Twu Wuv...

For Beltaine, I had to write a short response to love and fertility deities and mythologies. In particular, I was supposed to contrast them with the Adonis myth. I was kind of surprised by what I came up with.

Youth, lust, possession, lack of consent, immaturity, impatience… all things that seem to function in most Western myths related to deities who are considered to be love and fertility deities. Doing the light research for this assignment, that was the first thing I thought (and this may well be related to my own age and position in life vs. watching my newly-minted adult daughter navigate her own relationship waters). The question I had? Why is it always about possession and jealousy and sex? Does sex have to be about possession and jealousy?

As an experienced adult, I think the answer is no. Does sex = love? Nope, that doesn't follow either. In fact, what I see in a lot of these myths are the strains of heterosexual monogamous relationship models where being in a relationship implies some kind of ownership of one’s partner. What I’m interested in knowing is whether this is because we’re retelling them through the society of today, or whether these things have been related since time immemorial. Most people would say that the latter is true, but I’d be interested in some data to back that up.

When I was young, I might have believed these myths were great models for relationships. Now I feel like perhaps they could be great models for what NOT to do in a relationship, whether it be romantic or not. Where’s the love/fertility deity who models great communication skills, compassion, patience, boundaries and consent? Do those things have to be separate from love and fertility? I sure hope not.

If I take a different perspective on fertility - if I take it into the realm of other ways of creating, like writing, art, visioning and one’s own work - that shifts things to some extent, but still… these stories still bring up questions for me around obsession and balance, communication and true devotion and love. How do we act on passion without destroying boundaries? And how do we sustain relationships past the point of conception?

I’m not sure I’m providing much in the ways of answers here, but these have been the questions I’m sitting with as I think about how in mythology, one must dig deeper to find narratives about love and fertility that aren’t deeply entwined with jealousy and “taking” a person (in many ways perpetuating rape culture - yeah, I said it. I went there).  Some of them could stand a good re-telling.

Tell me... what love/fertility myths are the exception to this? Why the conflation of love and lust? Do you think they're the same?

Dreams?

For the past two months or so, I've been having some strange dream experiences. If you know me at all, you'll know that's saying something. I've been a lucid dreamer since I was 9 or so and heard a program on NPR that gave tips on how to develop the skill. My dreams have recognized patterns in a way that some consider premonitory (I just think my brain put pieces together when I was sleeping - nothing supernatural). And I've had hypnagogic hallucinations since I was very young. So you could say I'm a very active dreamer, one who remembers dreams well. I spend a lot of time in the sleep borderlands. I'm not sure if it's an effect of being a light sleeper or the cause.

So what could possibly be new at age 43 and a little? Well, twice now I've had sleep experiences that are sort of like hypnagogic hallucinations in that I'm aware of my waking world reality - the light and shadows in the room, the sound from the road, etc - but different in that I am being invaded by an entity of some sort. I can feel it in my deepest self, and the only way I can "evict" it through a tremendous force of will, followed by a strong round of shoring up barriers. I've never had such a sense of invasion, not even when I was pregnant. I can't get a sense of who or what the thing is, only that we are in a deep struggle for control. I've managed to get it out twice now, but each time I wake up feeling unsettled and attacked. It's not a fun way to be.

Last night I had another new experience, also when in the sleep/wake hypnagogic state. In this one, I was listening to the noises around me - the cars on the road, the rattling windows, and so on. Suddenly the sounds disappeared, and I could hear nothing but wind and bird song and water. I received a message of "this is the true reality" from a genderless voice. And then I was right back into the real sounds. I felt peaceful, and I drifted back into deeper sleep.

I find myself switching between science and the mystical in trying to puzzle out what's going on. Maybe my hypnagogic hallucinations are morphing somehow in response to some aging hormonal change? Or are things actually changing? What the hell is up with the attacking thing? The first time that happened, I kind of shrugged it off, though I did tell Jeff about it. The second time shook me. Of course if it happens again, I'll go through the process of "Who or what are you?" "What do you want?"

In the meantime, I'm not having much luck finding anything on the 'net to help me puzzle it out. I'd be interested in knowing if any of you have had these experiences. I remember how relieved I was years ago when I found out I wasn't the only one who saw the sleep spiders (this is one of the "normal" manifestations of my hypnagogic hallucinations).

Water, water everywhere

For most of my adult life as a witch, I've claimed to be a fire woman (in fact, FireWoman was a magickal name for a time) or an air woman (Queen of Swords, anyone?). Occasionally I'd undertake some work with earth, which was really about connecting with my body in some way. Water though? Water visited in the form of dreams - dreams where giant waves were waiting to pound me flat, to suffocate me, where there was no hope of swimming to the surface. Think the beach scene from Deep Impact.

Seriously. I still can't watch that scene. It gives me the willies.

Still, the ocean has long been a source of infinite energy for me. I feel amazing after a visit to the beach, even more so if it's stormy. Seems paradoxical, doesn't it? I'm drawn to the ocean when it's stormy, but I have nightmares about being crushed by a giant wave.

So the dream interpreter inside says it's about fear of emotion. And I think that's true for the most part. So I've avoided water as a guiding element, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unconsciously. Water gods or goddesses? No thanks. Tarot cards? Yeah, I'll probably draw the five of cups. 

Except recently, that has NOT been the case. And in April, for the first time in many years, I felt a call to the ocean, and it was a call from Manannán mac Lir. While in northwestern Washington, I saw a pod of whales in the wild for the first time in my life. I couldn't tear myself away from the beach. And I couldn't shake the image of a man wanting to guide me through the water. I knew who it was, but I was essentially in denial. Called by a god? A god of the water? Of the body of water most likely to create that crazy wave I dream about? Yes. Called by a god. A god of water, and mist, and liminal spaces. Called by Manannán mac Lir. And then the correspondences started to pile up.

• My house (like most wild places in Oregon) is surrounded by wild blackberry, a plant sacred to Manannán. 
• My wand, which I'd waited nearly two years to carve, was of alder, a tree sacred to Manannán. 
• In this season of spring, my house is surrounded by yellow flowers which are - surprise! - sacred to Manannán mac Lir. 
• He has ties to goddesses I've worked with over the years, with Áine and Brighid. 
• The centerpiece of the tattoo on my back has the triskelion in the center - a symbol associated with (among other things) Manannán mac Lir.

Manannán is a psychopomp, which figures, given that I've been working so hard to deal with the passing of my father and my daughter, as well as facing transitions, death and again, liminal spaces in other areas of my life. His stories of misting out the past to focus on the present make sense to me, as I spend far too much time thinking about what's behind me (occasionally what's ahead) and rarely on the now.

I've been visiting the sea at least once a week, listening. I've opened space on my altar. I've opened a space in my life. I'm kind of excited to feel called. It's been awhile since I've felt that kind of connection.

Coming to peace with water too, both in the sense of literal disaster waves (I do live near a tsunami zone, after all) and in the sense of emotion. The latter is more of a struggle, but it's work I'm doing, albeit mostly on my own.

What gods are you working with? Who calls to you?

two months? really?

Time gets away if you let it. I've been meaning to get to this blog and post for about two months. In April I attended the Spring Mysteries Festival up in Washington. I've been officially admitted as a graduate student at Woolston Steen Theological Seminary and begin my graduate work in a few short weeks.

I've kind of had my spiritual world rocked, not by mind-blowing newness, but by revelations about my own path that I really should be writing about so as to process. It's that spiral process that we talk about at WSTS - it's the labyrinth walk. Every trek around the center brings a different perspective.

Yet I find that when things are REALLY hard, and I don't have the clarity that brings comfort, I have difficulty writing. I have difficulty exposing the vulnerability. And really, I didn't expect to be wrestling again so soon with imposter syndrome (thanks grad school...), but so I am. I haven't written because I don't even know where to start. There's so much that's good, and so much that's challenging me, and so much that's driving me a little nuts - just so much. Added to that is mundane life, which is also so much in much the same ways. I'm long past overwhelmed.

And still...

I want to talk about the experiences at the seminary and at festival. I want to talk about being called by Mannanan mac Lir. I want to check in to see if I've actually been the priestess I thought I was, or if it was all ego. I want to feel anchored to a shared reality, to feel a little less liminal. Or... to feel a little more at peace with being so liminal.

I miss people who live close, who I can invite over for a glass of wine or a cup of coffee. I miss face-to-face conversation, connection and opportunity to talk through this stuff with someone who knows me and who knows my past story. The problem is that the people who fit that profile are scattered across the country. I can't afford to fly them all here, but I truly wish I could. I would love to sit in a circle of my spiritual brothers and sisters and feel heard... and also to listen to what's going on with them. And by listen, I mean to truly open to understand beyond the blips and bits offered by Facebook. That's such a fragmented view.

And also, I find I wish to connect more deeply with some of my newfound friends, but I'm struggling with feeling all the social anxiety that is so familiar. Most of them are several hours away (and more). Skype and SecondLife are great, but for me, they're not the same as real connection. I think they can be an extension of that, a way to maintain it, but I find it difficult to build that connection strictly online. It's awkward when I can't read someone's  body language and hear the nuance of voice inflection. I guess I rely on that more than I knew.

So I came here today to read someone else's blog, but ended up with an open box in front of me. This is what came of that. I'm pretty sure that everyone who reads this is someone who knows me for real, so tell me - what do you want to know? What do you want to read more about? And what do you most want me to know about what's happening in your world?

On Ostara, Thinking Back to Imbolc

For Imbolc, I set 12 goals, which I wrote in affirmation language. They were as follow:

1. I care for my body by eating well and regular movement so that I have energy to accomplish my goals.
2. I have a reasonable budget and plan for paying regularly on my student loan.
3. I am at peace with my family and am able to enjoy spending time with them.
4. Our home is a lovely, sacred sanctuary to the Gods.
5. I am enjoying awakened and fulfilled sexuality.
6. I live free of anxiety attacks.
7. I support myself and my partner in having our relationship needs met.
8. I am in touch with the spirits of my daughter and my father.
9. I have finished my first full-length novel, The Crossing.
10. I am a contributing and appreciated member of my professional and physical community.
11. I am a member of a spiritual community, feeling fulfilled and challenged, loved and supported.
12. I have fully reconnected with the Gods and have reintegrated my spiritual practice and my daily life.

Almost as soon as I set them, some of them started to happen; namely #6, #8 and #12. Others are quickly starting to germinate: #1, #2, #10 and #11. And still others are slowly quickening. I'm not sure what the end of the year will bring, but at this point, it seems likely that it will be good things.

Part of my regular practice with WSTS is daily devotionals. These involve both setting intention and gratitude. I am convinced that these two very simple things are a large part of why things are starting to shift. I am also reminded that magick works best when you do it, create some alignment via action and then STOP OBSESSING OVER IT. And I've been able to do that more easily than I remember.

When I first started down this path decades ago, I didn't have a lot of education to back up what I intuitively understood. I got the idea of symbolic and sympathetic magick pretty quickly, and then layered years of talking about ritual laying patterns in the soul with my work at the Grove. Years later I know that many of these principles of magick and ritual are backed up by studies in human behavior, in seeing what allows us to change. Or maybe those in-between years of experience and education have colored how I remember intuiting the basics of why magic works. Whether you believe it's about sending out energy into the world (like literally, in waves, a sort of quantum physics approach) or about reprogramming your mind, the result can be the same. 

So I'll continue to let myself be guided, whether it be by subconscious intent or energy waves, towards making these goals happen without obsessing over them daily. I'll continue the practice of intention and gratitude. And I'll continue to check in. I gotta say, I'm excited about the way things are moving in my life right now. So much to appreciate and take in. So much to love about living.

Seminary and Community

It's been about five weeks since I decided to take the plunge and check out Woolston-Steen Theological Seminary. And while I wasn't exactly working on a whim, I wasn't sure what to expect. Regular readers will know I was coming out of a period of intense questioning and feeling lost. And while I chose them for their connection with the Aquarian Tabernacle Church, which is nearby, I wasn't sure how I felt about the primary location for the seminary being in SecondLife, a virtual realm.

Could learning really happen there, or would it be like a chaotic chatroom with avatars? What about ritual? Would it feel like ritual if I weren't physically experiencing it? And while I know that real community can be built online, would it really help me feel supported, and maybe help me find my way further out of the darkness I've been inhabiting? Would I end up with the same lost feeling I've been experiencing so intensely these last few months?

Well. Let me say... yes, yes, yes, and no. I haven't felt so like I made the right spiritual choice since I found Diana's Grove back in 2000.

I've wanted to write about this for weeks now, and even posted a few teasers on FB. But there's so much to say, and I feel such a jumble of things (good things) that putting it out in an orderly fashion is a challenge. But here are some highlights:

• The process of applying and then speaking with people about my spiritual curriculum vitae put me back in touch with many of the women I've shared spiritual space with in the past. That has been an amazing experience of reconnection and love in and of itself. I hadn't necessarily lost touch with them, but communication hadn't been active. It is now. And that's a good thing.
• Writing up that CV reminded me just how much work I've done, how important priestessing is, and how I've been doing it anyway in my current position, without really meaning to. When I remembered and got more intentional, things shifted in a very real, very positive way.
• Because of the SecondLife component, I'm having a noob experience which is a humbling and awesome reminder of how the people I work with on a daily basis often feel when they come back to school.
• The classes (and thus far, I've only experienced first year classes) have far exceeded my expectations. This is the real deal, the teachers are professionals and the work the seminary is doing is amazing, needed and GOOD work.
• I'm in the process of applying to the graduate program at WSTS. I have also put forth that I would really love to use my professional knowledge and experience to help the seminary, and I'm looking forward to seeing that come to fruition.
• For the first time in a very long time, I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming part of a larger community. I am really looking forward to visiting Washington next month, when I will have a chance to physically meet many people I've only met virtually to date.
• I'm embarking on a second initiatory journey as well, and I think I'm getting a sense of who it will be with. It involves a return to my Celtic roots AND the occasional visit to Missouri, a state that hosted a huge amount of spiritual and personal growth for me, a state that is still to this day represented on my personal altar.
• I am back in the process of regular spiritual practice, and I'm sharing it with my daughter. It is a beautiful thing.

And there's so much more, but this is a quick update, and one I'm happy to share.

I am grateful, deeply grateful, to all the twists and turns that have brought me to here. The journey of this life is truly a rich and magickal one. I am grateful for each of you reading this, and for those who don't read but have still in some way deeply touched my spiritual experience.

I'm looking forward to more writing here, more active reflection on what I'm doing. I expect this will especially happen if/when I get accepted into the graduate program and certainly when I start my initiatory work. I hope my spiritual brothers and sisters will continue to follow along with me here, to engage in conversation and my spiritual life, even if it's from a distance.

imbolc 2014

My ritual and working will be a bit late, but I laid the foundation for it last night and this morning.

Imbolc has always been a special holy day for me, given my calling to Brighid many years ago, given that I gave Jasmine over to her Fire with a prayer I wrote, given that it was my first real ritual experience with a hps. It's fitting, then, that this return I'm having would start with Imbolc.

Yesterday my new Brighid statue arrived from Sacred Source. It's the same image of Brighid that we regularly connected with in Central Illinois, and the one you can see in Nina's dedication photo. I left that particular statue with Prairie Fire when I left Illinois, and while I don't regret that decision in the slightest, I have missed the connection. Seems fitting too that I would again feel a connection like this with a deity who straddles the mythos of Ireland and Christ, given where I am with that right now.

This year's working will involve goals, the planting of herb seeds and a tarot focus. I ordered the seeds this morning after choosing them carefully to support my prayers. We have a lovely mud room/entry way with many windows and abundant shelf space; this will become the home for these seeds once they arrive and I plant them. I will include cards with my prayer, votives and the tarot focus for each as I tend them. I'm looking forward to a year of manifesting many things, not the least of which is a renewal of my spiritual life.

what up wit' me? what up wit' you?

Oh you guys. So much going on in my brain and my heart and the place between where emotions live, and also in the place above where divine things dance. When push comes to shove with the idea of attending a Christian church, I just ... can't. I can't. The likelihood of having to deal with immense annoyance of the type that I find hard to ignore just makes it not viable. I'm glad I've come to a stronger relationship with Christ, and I think that will continue to grow. I don't know that the Christian label will ever fit comfortably on these shoulders. It's just not my world.

Also, the last post I had about what my sense of the divine is, my feeling of what is there, and how I relate to it kind of led me in a meandering way back to Wicca, particularly, to the Aquarian Tabernacle Church and their educational program. I've been aware of ATC for years, and knew they were in Washington, but had moved so far away from traditional Wicca that I didn't think about it as an option.

My Pagan readers will understand what I mean when I say I think I'm seeking an initiatory experience. (Maybe others get it too, I dunno.) I've been down that road once before, and it yielded amazing growth. It's time to do it again, and I'm going to do it with the ATC.

Their program is hosted between SecondLife and Moodle, and let me tell you, it's been a great exercise in empathy for my students to have to try to figure out both platforms. I'm totally serious - one of the things I'm doing here is remembering what it's like to not know how to navigate a system. In terms of the details of the classes, well yes, there are plenty of items that are simply review. But I'm trying to do it with a beginners mind, as much as I can. And the community is different - both the virtual one, and the one I'm hoping to reach out to in Washington.

Another interesting and unexpected effect has been a review of all the work I've done. I have to do it for the program, even though I was trying like Hel to avoid it. I crammed a lot of stuff into the last 20 years! I may post it here for posterity when I'm done putting it together. Maybe I'll make it like a portfolio. Remembering those things somehow makes sparks within myself flare up. That feels like a good thing.

The only shadow at the moment is that I'm so overwhelmed with work and other commitments, I'm trying to figure out how to make it all work. I'm sorely missing my little office in the Bloomington house. And I lost all my computer files relating to my past work, including my BoS. I'm devastated about it, and trying not to feel that too deeply. It's a good reason to start over, no? So tonight I'm going to tighten up my work space and get it back in order to do ... Work. I need to organize what's required, get together a schedule and begin to get back on track. Juggling all the Things That Need To Be Done is getting more insane, not less. Not sure what that's about. Doing all the things, plus working, plus parenting, plus having a relationship and attempting a social life and also getting some self care in? HOW?

I don't know if anyone even reads this anymore, but it must seem very scattered and incoherent. I'll eventually get to a place where I'm writing things that mean something to people other than myself soon. Promise.

not exactly comforting, but...

I've spent the past week or so thinking about my last post and the response and my response to the response. How's that for convoluted?? And thanks to the person who DID comment because she helped me figure out a key that I may have fumbled for quite a bit longer. Figures - she's usually good at playing that role for me.

Until now, my spiritual life has mostly been a seeking out of an experience of connection with and knowing of the divine in the multiverse. I've approached this seeking from a place of organized religion, then from my own journey that focused a lot on prayer (ritual/spellwork, same thing, really) and worship (offerings to the divine, learning the stories, acknowledging the gifts and lessons). Those are the ways we're often led to reach out to this thing we call by so many names, and which seems best defined as the divine.

Focusing on prayer and worship led to a lot of me worrying about doing things the right way, and a lot of enjoying the pomp and circumstance, as well as the intellectual engagement via research. And yet in the midst of prayer (ritual, community), I have felt that connection and it is truly magickal and ecstatic in that space. I have also felt the connection when I'm in touch with the wild world around me, mostly in deep green places like the PNW. I realized last night that this is what I'm missing - the connection. And it doesn't come from a book or a ritual outline or a particular story of a divine being. It comes from an inner opening that is really tough for me to make right now.

My draw to Jesus is that he was on the same journey. So rather than worship Christ, I'm more interested in his connection and how it happened. I'd rather have similar experiences than stop at admiring (worshiping) the person who did the same work I'm trying to do. I'd rather learn from him than put him on a pedestal. This is how I feel about other people who have a deep spiritual connection, and frankly, it helps me a great deal to see them as human, to know their struggles, to know their moments of doubt as well as their moments of connection. The most prevalent model in ALL faith traditions I've worked with is not to do this, but rather to make them more than human and to be threatened by their stories of struggle.

Look at how people reacted to "The Last Temptation of Christ" or "Dogma" for an illustration of this. Also, look to how many spiritual leaders talk about their struggles as if they were in the past (and conquered) rather than an ongoing part of the work. There's a reason for this, and I think it's deeply rooted in our psyches. Many people want to believe there is an end to the struggle, so they want to believe in people who seem to transcend the struggle. I've noticed this in all faiths I see practiced around me, and I think it's simply part of the human condition. It's good to remember the difference between practice and mastery. I think one may be an illusion.

I spent the past week looking for books or discussions on connecting with the divine. They're out there, but they're buried underneath a pile of books about worship and prayer, the needle in the haystack. I would deeply love to find a community that's interested in this same kind of work, and interested in doing it in a way that honors the vastness of the divine and all the ways it manifests. I would also deeply love finding that connection again on my own. I think that I'm starting to see how to do that, but I still have a long way to go. Right now I feel like I'm still heading away from the places I've known towards a place I sort of sense is there, but really won't know until I find it. Not exactly comforting, but it feels right.

you are sleeping...

The Smiths – Rubber Ring - 2011 Remastered Version

A recent conversation with a friend about the specifics of a belief in a divine force reminded me of this song, particularly the sample at the end, "you are sleeping... you do not want to believe... you are sleeping..."

I thought I'd share what I said here for the few friends and family who are keeping up with this blog. The conversation, which I initiated, started with these questions: So... where are you on the question of the existence of a divine force? What do you believe? What have you experienced?

And my friend addressed atheism before coming to his own belief statement, which is where I start my own answer, which I've edited slightly:

I think that some atheists are on the same spectrum as fundamentalists. They have an agenda, and nothing else matters, and they are just as fanatical about it… which leads me to think they’re just as unsure as the fundamentalists are of their own foundation. I mean really, why else would you spend SO much energy (angry energy) trying to convince others? I have a few friends (most, if not all male, interestingly enough) who identify as atheist and they have such anger mingled with it. Makes me sad, and definitely turns me off listening to what they have to say. I don’t want to be proselytized by a non-believer any more than I want to be proselytized by a believer. Other atheists seem to be very at peace with their truth, which to me indicates a much more well-considered and solid foundation. 

All I feel when I think about the absence of god is cold, alone and frankly, scared. And lately, that absence has been huge. I can’t find a connection in any of the places I’ve looked, and I feel cut off, forsaken even. I’ve felt that connection to the divine as an adult, and every once in a while I think I see the ghost of that connection when I’m in the forest, but it’s not as strong as it was even five years ago. I have met people of many different paths who are like avatars, who undeniably have that connection at any given time. I envy them, and I recognize that they seem to be by far the exception, rather than the rule. I think this group is where Jesus and the Buddha and other spiritually connected people have been, and where they continue to exist. In other words, I think people today are capable of having the same connection to god that Jesus or any other holy person has had, or is having. But I don’t have a clue any more how to get there.  And on bad days, I wonder if it’s all delusion.

In the past, I most often felt that connection in community, which is why, I think, a multi-faceted perspective of divinity has always made sense to me. We’re all holding the elephant, so to speak. But there is something that is bigger than the sum of the parts of community, and that’s the thing I think I see a ghost of when I’m out in nature. Maybe for me, being with other people who are of like mind and/or are acting together with spiritual intention is like an amplifier. Maybe I can’t find that connection alone. But that doesn’t feel right to me, not at all. On a very deep level, it doesn't feel possible that there is no way to experience god unless I'm with other people. In fact, it sometimes seems like that's where the trouble lies.

So I feel like I’m wandering in some spiritual desert, searching for water, which exists, but is sometimes a mirage. And in the desert, places where there were water sometimes dry up. Sometimes for a person’s lifetime. And sometimes only until the next rainy season. So… I don’t know if I’m in a place that’s so far from water that I’ll never make it back in this lifetime, or if I’m just between seasons. And it is intensely uncomfortable.

People say that faith is believing when you can’t feel or see something. I disagree. I have at various times in my life felt the presence of god, felt it physically both inside and outside my body. I’ve seen it in the landscape. I’ve heard it in music that’s being played live (and even occasionally with recordings). When I danced with Dionysos and Ariadne for a while, I tasted it. I've touched it in the skin of my babies. It’s nigh unto impossible for me to not have doubts now when all those things I’ve experienced seem like dim memories. That’s where the scared part comes in. Because was I fooling myself then, or now? 

I’m so restless when it comes to this, but restless without an outlet, which is incredibly frustrating. I’ve never felt this before, not when I was a kid milling around in Christianity, not when I was a newling Witch, and only … I think I can trace it back to the coven break-up in Arizona, maybe. But I think that was the straw. I think the seed of disconnect started with Jasmine’s death. And I wish I could figure it out. I wish I had a freaking map. I don’t even have a word to describe my position or belief because truly, most labels chafe, as do most religions, in one way or another. So WTF am I to do?

I guess the short answer is that like Mulder, I want to believe. But there’s a whole lot of Scully in my DNA. (interesting that in the show, Scully was the devout Christian, no?)

So if anyone reading this has thoughts, or would like to answer the question I originally posed, I'd love to read and dialogue.

quiet on the outside (cacophony on the inside)

There are patterns to how I approach things, for better or for worse. There are steps, even.

1. Something makes me uncomfortable and sticks in my head. It pisses me off, it chafes and it will not go away. It's an idea or a sentence or a movie or a song or a word, but what it really is ultimately is a challenge to some truth I've accepted.
2. I turn it over and over, trying to find the angle that lets me see what I need to see. I also try to find the angle that lets me put it away and not think about it any more. That happens, but less frequently than finding the thing I need to find.
3. That process invariably leads to seeking out information by reading and writing and engaging in conversation with people I trust. 
4. One of two things happens next. Either I go back to step 1, and that can happen MANY times as I work through something, or I find the new truth and begin to live a little differently.

Right now, I'm in the step 4 to 1 to 4 cycle. Last weekend I became obsessed with the idea that all this searching out Christ stuff is just a way of avoiding my fear that God doesn't exist. I was going to write about it, but frankly I was too depressed to get out of bed and make it happen. Then I kind of rebounded into the things that still speak to me from earth-centered spirituality, from Wicca. Then back out to what drives me away from that community. And so it goes. It's like this, to continue my trope of tarot illustration, and I am desperately trying to find a place in the middle, so as to avoid being thrown to the extremes of the edge. It's a lifelong challenge. This is my soul card.

I did a year reading on Samhain. November's card was the Knight of Swords, which is pretty much all about my steps one and two above. December's card is the Lovers, which is finding a way to relate. The Lovers is the resolution of step four, though I don't dare assume that this card showing up means resolution is going to happen in December. It's major arcana, which makes it about a life lesson. Certainly this feels like that. The transition from the Knight of Swords to the Lovers has been foggy and cold and cave-like. I'm not sure what comes next. Seems right, somehow, that tarot is part of the journey, given how it melds so many different symbols of faith. January is the Ace of Swords. Maybe the cycle starts again, or maybe it's something different all together. Time reveals all.

This process is TOUGH. I don't know anything. I am filled with doubt. I envy people who never struggle with faith, even as I know I could never be like them. I question. It's what I do, and who I am. It's not easy, but it's real. I can't pretend I don't struggle, and I can't pretend that my struggles and questions should somehow lead to discovery for someone else. I tried that for awhile. It never felt authentic. 

God or Christ or Gods and Goddesses... I have always felt there are more similarities than difference when you dig beneath the plants in the respective gardens. I do have fears of no God, no magick, no anything but the cold reality of science and space. Nihilistic though. And that's not how I want to approach the world. And in my gut - in what one particular friend might call my Buddha self - I know that there IS something divine and greater. There are avatars and people who have connected to that. I just ... need to find some peace around it. Community has helped that in the past. I hope the same will happen again, and soon.

quiet out here in the dark

It's been a week since I posted about being in the midst of a dark night of the soul. Things have been very quiet, and I'm working not to read much into that. I posted late at night and I think many people missed the post. I directed a few people to it, people I thought would poke at things a little, help me work my way through. There were many others that I also hoped would do that, but as I said, it's been quiet, and as per the "requirements" of a dark night of the soul, I've felt very alone and isolated.

It's on me. I didn't repost, and I didn't especially point it out to everyone who might want to read it. I picked two people, one who I knew would be coming from the Christian point of view, and the other who I knew would stand outside all of it, pretty much neutral. And those conversations were really helpful. One took place in the comments of the blog, the other via text messages.

One thing that came up, that's had me a little thoughtful, was in regard to my need for community. I can't remember exactly how it was phrased, but basically, my need for community often has a strong influence on what I'm doing spiritually. And there's truth to that. Conflict happens because it's rare that I find a group that has many people who seem to be in the same place I am. I frequently find myself in a leadership role. I used to seek that out; I haven't as much recently.

I have thought, in the past, about that leadership piece. Maybe if I embraced it more, maybe then I would find myself among people who seem to be in the same place. Thing is, I am beginning to think this is a rare place among the self-taught. I've investigated seminaries before, given serious thought to pursuing the clergy within the UU church. I've also given serious thought to Cherry Hill, but I don't have the money readily available to pursue that path, and even if I did, it's a distance program and I really seek to be in face-to-face contact with people who think deeply, feel deeply, see the naked places and name them, rather than pretending that they aren't there.

I suppose that as in most areas that I care about, I seek challenge. And re-opening to working within Christian communities is definitely that, for me.

I really don't think that who I am at my innermost point is going to change a great deal. I don't see this as a conversion. I still don't believe in sin and salvation and exclusive rights to the divine. I still believe in multiplicity and breadth of experience and an ecstatic experience of being human. I still believe that "life is the ceremony. how we live it is the sacred ritual."

And, I want to recognize that I'm still in the dark night, still feeling alone. If you're reading this, I'm asking for your comments, whatever they may be, as long as they are delivered with love. I would be so comforted to know that someone is holding my hand, even if it's in the dark where I cannot see.

I've had two responses to my queries of last week. The first was from the UU church, which I'm planning to check out tomorrow. The other was from the Presbyterians. I'm looking forward to a coffee date with the pastor soon.

Gary Numan – In A Dark Place

like a hermit moving through a dark night of the soul

I'm not even sure where to begin. I suppose this isn't a big leap from my last post. I'm sitting here in front of the keyboard, a jumble of words trying to fight for the right to flow from my heart through my hands. Maybe I'll start with what I did today, and see where that goes.

image from http://www.thewitchescollective.com

After spending some time listening to some favorite books and tooling around Azeroth, I took a nap. Before the nap, I laid in a darkened room for quite awhile and thought about last night's dreams, which featured Jasmine and several other faces from my past. Most of the faces were somehow directly involved with my spiritual journey, whether it be as teachers or fellows along the path. Some people were both - teachers at some times, fellow journeyers at others. Like tonight's post, the dream was a mad jumble of images and points in time. I woke up completely unsure what it all meant, save one thing. There's this thing I've been thinking about for a long time, very literally for years, and it seems like maybe it's time to act. So I wrote some emails to local church leaders, kicking open a door I thought was long shut.

Over the decades I've been a practicing Pagan, I've had friends drift into practice and then move back towards Christianity. Some exist in both worlds. Others, as I've written before, moved onto Buddhism. I think that latter is probably the largest category. And still others just melted into a place of non-practice. The ones that have always been most difficult to deal with have been the ones returning to Christianity. Because... how could you? How could you go back to the dogma, back to the restricted world view, back to the idea that there is One True Way or One True God? And more importantly, how could I ever do that? How could I, knowing what I know about the history of Christianity, both distant and not-so-distant? The hypocrisy? The willing ignorance?

And yet. And yet there is Christ, and there's always been Christ. I've never had a problem with Christ. I've said so many times. His is an exemplary life, one that I share (not coincidentally, I'm sure) values with. One that is inspiring. My problem always has been with the church, with the ignorance and pushiness of Christ's followers. Their blinders suffocate me. Their kneejerk reaction to questions seem to indicate a shaky foundation. Recently, though, I've started to have a growing awareness of a different kind of Christianity. I think it's gotten more vocal in reaction to the rise of the ugly fundamentalist and/or the unquestioning literalist. And perhaps like a healthy living tradition, the church has simple evolved in many ways.

image from http://bethalynnebajema.com

If you know much about my story, you know that I spent most of my younger years pursuing a connection with God. Until I was 16 or so, that pursuit was in Christian churches, mostly Baptist or Lutheran or the deceptively-named "non-denominational" (which frequently meant really extreme and often ugly). I dated a Mormon and was baptized into the LDS church at 16. It was the only time my dad ever expressed disappointment in my choices. I attended a few Catholic services as well. In each place I ran into a problem - I asked questions, I noticed the Emperor was often naked, I didn't see why science had to be at odds with God, and I for damned sure didn't buy the Eve/curse/woman's place bullshit. Those were my big "beefs" with my church experience. I'm fortunate that I really never had a personally horrific experience. Many do. That's part of why I've kept my distance. That, and a love of mythology and ecstatic ritual and multiple faces of God.

Thing is, I've spent all this time feeling an either/or distinction, even as I've counseled others that you can be Christian and Pagan, if you define Christian as seeking to live according to Christ's example, and willing and able to understand that the Bible is a flawed piece of literature, and not the literal word of God. And it goes without saying, you need to get rid of the concept of One True Way/God. That doesn't work with Paganism. And I've long felt that aside from the UU's (who are very intellectual and prone to question), there aren't many denominations that would allow for that kind of practice. Recently I've seen evidence that this isn't true.

I've also been experiencing what is almost certainly a very long dark night of the soul. I've been familiar with that phrase for awhile, but only now was I miserable enough to do some investigation. This piece in particular spoke to me: Dark Night of the Soul

Things that especially resonated were things like "its general meaning — in the field of higher consciousness — is a lengthy and profound absence of light and hope. In the dark night you feel profoundly alone" and "You’ve experienced indications of the reality of higher consciousness and yearn to be more deeply in communion with it. You see the principles of a higher power at work in your life. Yet, all in all, you find yourself somehow painfully on the outside. You feel caught between your old way of living, your old tendencies and associations, and this nebulous, unreachable realm of higher consciousness." Really, the entire thing, which you can read if you like. When I read it, I felt exposed, like a bug pinned to a board while still alive.

image from Twilight Realm: A Tarot of Faery

And I'm still in the middle of this, nowhere near the end. I'm still having the struggle with surrender, with ego. I don't know where I'm going to end up, and that is really fucking frightening. Most of my best friends first connected with me via spiritual practice. What happens if that goes away? And what if I do end up in a Christian practice? Are they going to feel the same sense of unease that I did when my friends moved in that direction? Will they stop talking to me?

I don't know. But I know I can't stay in this place of in-between. Something has to give. And it doesn't even have to be a move to another category. It will likely be a category all it's own, and to me, that's the marker of real spirituality anyway. To have connected in an individual way, and yet still be able to be in community. So I may be checking out a few Christian churches here locally. And maybe I'll find one that feels like it can be home to this bisexual, earth-worshipping feminist who still loves her some Irish myth and views it as equally as useful as Christian myth. We'll see.

For now, it's scary out here, but I'm going to keep my light held high. I no longer feel like I need to hold the light for anyone else, but I surely need to hold it for myself.

Danger Mouse – Dark Night Of The Soul - Feat. David Lynch

this unrest

After years of having a relatively easy time finding community, I've struggled in the past few years to find a new home. I'm not sure what all the factors are, but I imagine they probably include baggage from the experience I had with Reclaiming and Reclaiming-like traditions, as well as experiences with reconstruction-leaning orders.

I struggle with thoughts of going back to those places of Reclaiming and Reclaiming-influenced practice because they are familiar and because they were the scene of a huge amount of personal and spiritual growth for me. I seek that growth and connection, but I'm extremely gun-shy. I ended up in a place that didn't feel safe, in a community that felt false and shallow. Rather than being supported, I felt scrutinized and judged, and ultimately found lacking in several ways. In Paganism, there is little in the way of organization, and it can make for falling away of people like me. When I disappeared, I don't think it ever occurred to anyone to ask why. And certainly if it did, I think there was a great deal of discomfort with some of the questions and observations I had to offer. I came to be at odds with some things that are at the heart of Reclaiming, both in theory and in practice. I realized that it had once been very much the right place for me, but that it isn't that place any more. I guess that is what a crisis of faith feels like.

I tried retracing my steps, going backwards in an almost linear fashion, which brought me first to the reconstructionist practice that immediately preceded my deeper dive into Reclaiming. I was seeking structure, I was seeking a movement away from the fusion of psychology and theology, a movement towards theism and a belief that the gods are more than mythological metaphors. Still, the problem I had with reconstructionism remains what it has always been: I can't jive with a practice that feels stagnant and unable to conform, change or grow, that discounts personal experience and gnosis as somehow "less than." I toyed with this a bit while in Portland, first with a tenuous reconnection with ADF, then with Egyptian practice. Neither fits as a strict reconstructionist path. I'm not a reconstructionist. I knew this, but I guess I had to remind myself.

I stepped further back to Wicca, which, as I posted about earlier this month, feels very much like home. Yet... I find myself struggling with the thing that pushed me to reconstructionism and then to Reclaiming: a serious lack of ... seriousness. The thing about Wicca is that the "public" face of it tends to feel like an alternate reality, one that doesn't seem to value skepticism at all.

Once upon a time, I created a tradition and worked a coven with an amazing group of people. That tradition wove together the best of these three things - the ecstatic ritual-style and free-spiritedness of Reclaiming, tempered with the pursuit of both scholarly and historic gnosis of gods and traditions sought by most reconstructionists, and the structure of "old-school" Wiccan group dynamics and pedagogy. When I did this, I was able to find the right people and it was easy. Not easy as in "without effort" but easy as in "things happened smoothly and in the right order without a lot of flailing." I was fortunate to work with witches who were much like myself in terms of values and community desires. I ... haven't had that since, and it's been about 10 years.

So I'm back to being solitary and trying to figure out how to make that work now that I know how exponentially better it can be with like-minded people. I'm having little luck finding people in the local area (read: close enough to meet regularly). Old methods don't work. Hell, new ones don't seem to work either. And honestly, I'm feeling a bit like Sisyphus. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what the message is here, what the gods are trying to say. And also, I'm so frustrated with feeling like I'm starting over again with people who have NO IDEA of the work I've already done, and having to go over that, like some kind of weird resume review, is exhausting just to think about. And yet, I want to work with a group that at least has the same values/desires from a group. I don't know how to reconcile the unrest that's so deep within my soul with the desperate desire for community, ANY community, as long as they can find their way around a circle.

It's kind of a shitty place to be.

I suspect I need to do some serious unpacking of the baggage I'm carrying, but at a loss for how to do that on my own. It's not exactly something I can take to a therapist either, because frankly, I think it's essentially pastoral counseling, and a person would have to have a strong understanding of the nuances of where I've been to help me figure out where I'm going. I know there's more than a little of the overarching life Work I'm engaged in at play here, but it's hard to tell where that ends, and where broken systems begin.

So I keep pushing on. The kettle that's constantly simmering in my brain keeps simmering. I have no idea what will percolate to the surface next. I suppose I can trust that when I truly need to put things in order, the right things will happen with the right people in the right place. I'm just so impatient.

Siouxsie And The Banshees – This Unrest

no matter where I go, there I am

If you've been here before, you know I've renamed the blog. I've been spending a fair amount of time lately thinking about my roots in Wicca, why I moved away - and then back - and then away - and then back, and seriously, may I have this dance?

A lot of my movement and growth has been motivated by listening to someone else talk about how fluffy/false/monotheistic/lame/shallow/wrong/wrong/wrong something about Wicca is, from philosophy to the entirety of the tradition. And while I'm tempted to mock the mocker, ultimately I have to nod my head in gratitude. I grew and really made a faith my own because of all that chatter.

I think there is a reason I keep coming back to these practices. They spoke to my soul and have continued to speak. I know a great deal about my tradition's history because people around me questioned, which led to me questioning. But I always come back to this place of connection and comfort and it IS inherently Wiccan, in all its mosaic, derivative glory.

So I'm changing the name of the blog to reflect this. It's a play on the word "awakening." Will practice with Isis continue? Of course. So will my relationship with Brighid and the Morrighan and Dionysos and so it goes. I continue to bow to scholarship because it is important to me, but I also wish to follow the pull of my blood and my heart. Taking inventory. It's a start.

Tying the Knot - Becoming a Votary of the Goddess

M. Isidora Forrest's Isis Magic truly is a treasure trove of a book, providing a well-mapped path on this journey. After reading through the initial 10 chapters, the actual work of becoming a priestess of Isis has begun.

On August 6th, T and I had our first ritual taken from Isis Magic and slightly adapted to include multiple participants. There were components of the rite that were completely new to me and that felt weird (not casting or calling quarters? wha...?), but only because they differed from what I've been doing for the past 20 years. Frankly, had I ever performed an ADF ritual with someone else - honestly, even gotten past the Two Powers Meditation - I imagine it would have been similarly different. And really, the set up made sense for what we were doing. A circle and quarter calls make sense for alchemical or magickal ritual, but this was really a ritual of dedication to exploring with Isis, so a circle was unnecessary, even restrictive.

Forrest says,

"This is the ritual that begins a Votary's relationship with Isis. During the course of the rite... you will vow yourself to Isis for a period of time... With this holy vow, you become devoted to Isis for that specific period.
The key symbol ... is the Knot of Isis, the Tiet... the magical, protective, and sacred Knot that is a special emblem of the Goddess. As a knot joins two things, this ritual of Tying the Knot of Isis joins the Votary to the Goddess for the specified period. The Votary gives to the goddess her... devotion, attention and energy; in turn, the Goddess gives to the Votary Her protection, communion, and as always, Her Divine Love." (Isis Magic, p. 263)

I have no idea, for the record, if this is actually where the phrase "tying the knot" originated. Seems unlikely, though I do appreciate the symbolism.

For me, there were some particularly powerful points in the ritual. The first was working with someone who felt as deep a devotion to a deity as I do - and who approaches that devotion in a similar way. We have studied together - and T has been studying Isis longer than I - and the melding of mind and spirit in ritual is something we do well together. I look forward to deepening this connection through the Votary work on my own, and then connecting again with T for further ritual. Standing in shared knowledge gleaned from historical resource and gnosis is deeply moving for me.

We spoke vows to the desires of the heart (in connecting to Isis), strength of spirit and the mystery of the soul. Speaking these in community is weighty - I have done this once before with Brighid. I find my heart racing, my hands shaking, but my voice is strong and sure. Sharing this with T wove a really beautiful web of distinct but connected intention. You can see the tokens of heart, spirit and soul nestled in the center of the Tiet - mine are on the left.

The last thing that I want to touch on was in our meditation on Isis - this came after vows and the knot. I have had connections with Isis before and they generally include her winged form. During this time of deep prayer, I felt a warm and close sense of being enfolded in dark wings, and a surprisingly sexual, yet protective, connection with Isis.

Post ritual, I reconstructed my personal Isis shrine, including the knot and tokens. I'm looking forward to this journey. I have several meditations and rites ahead of me. I have had a sense of the direction of my priestesshood with Isis - in helping first myself, then others to calling back the pieces of Self. The delicate balance of this, the Work of it, is in doing this while maintaining healthy boundaries. For now, I'm focused on myself. I will see where the path takes me as the journey unfolds.

Isis Altar, August 2013

Psychologizing the Gods

"By psychologizing the gods, we have contributed to the ongoing disenchantment of the world, which began with the Enlightenment. We have humanized the gods, but in doing so, we have sometimes lost the sense of the gods as gods." from The Archetypes are Gods: Re-godding the Archetypes

I happened upon this article by accident today, but it touched on something I've noticed in some communities I used to frequent: that for many people in the community, their concept of deity and indeed their practice seems to boil down to therapy-dressed-in-myth. I find it difficult, many times, to sense a person's connection to the Divine in the onslaught of colorful psychobabble. And I guess that sensing this connection is becoming important to me. Perhaps it's a side effect of aging. More likely it's just where I've emerged after the past seven years of spiritual cocooning. The therapy-in-mythic-journey work took me a long way, but I am seeking something more. I am seeking the magick and the mystery; the wonder and unknowing.

This emerging has been sort of a painful, isolating experience. Many of the people I used to be able to connect with have moved on to Buddhism and/or this psychologizing of the gods. Community doesn't exist in the same places it did back in 1999, so finding like-minded folks is lonely work. I'm frankly at a loss - I used to be so good at finding community and now I really have no idea where to begin. They're not in email groups anymore. They're not using the internet to get together, at least not in any way I can track down. Websites are more professional, less personal. What's an aging 90's era Witch to do?

I'm not sure. Having lots of thinky-thoughts while reading "Isis Magic." Maybe this is something I need to work through, some kind of life lesson. I find myself kind of retracing steps, going back to the Irish gods to see what they have to say, considering a revisiting of the Greeks, while still feeling the pull of Isis. Maybe this is a pagan mid-life crisis.

Back to the article, a final thought. Halstead sets this up as some kind of humanist v. theist conflict, warning of an isolating swing of the pendulum. Firstly, I don't sense that, but more importantly, I really don't buy into the duality of his assertion. I would rather be part of a community that has room for both humanists and theists... I just want to know where the theists have gone (and how to find them)!