On Ostara, Thinking Back to Imbolc

For Imbolc, I set 12 goals, which I wrote in affirmation language. They were as follow:

1. I care for my body by eating well and regular movement so that I have energy to accomplish my goals.
2. I have a reasonable budget and plan for paying regularly on my student loan.
3. I am at peace with my family and am able to enjoy spending time with them.
4. Our home is a lovely, sacred sanctuary to the Gods.
5. I am enjoying awakened and fulfilled sexuality.
6. I live free of anxiety attacks.
7. I support myself and my partner in having our relationship needs met.
8. I am in touch with the spirits of my daughter and my father.
9. I have finished my first full-length novel, The Crossing.
10. I am a contributing and appreciated member of my professional and physical community.
11. I am a member of a spiritual community, feeling fulfilled and challenged, loved and supported.
12. I have fully reconnected with the Gods and have reintegrated my spiritual practice and my daily life.

Almost as soon as I set them, some of them started to happen; namely #6, #8 and #12. Others are quickly starting to germinate: #1, #2, #10 and #11. And still others are slowly quickening. I'm not sure what the end of the year will bring, but at this point, it seems likely that it will be good things.

Part of my regular practice with WSTS is daily devotionals. These involve both setting intention and gratitude. I am convinced that these two very simple things are a large part of why things are starting to shift. I am also reminded that magick works best when you do it, create some alignment via action and then STOP OBSESSING OVER IT. And I've been able to do that more easily than I remember.

When I first started down this path decades ago, I didn't have a lot of education to back up what I intuitively understood. I got the idea of symbolic and sympathetic magick pretty quickly, and then layered years of talking about ritual laying patterns in the soul with my work at the Grove. Years later I know that many of these principles of magick and ritual are backed up by studies in human behavior, in seeing what allows us to change. Or maybe those in-between years of experience and education have colored how I remember intuiting the basics of why magic works. Whether you believe it's about sending out energy into the world (like literally, in waves, a sort of quantum physics approach) or about reprogramming your mind, the result can be the same. 

So I'll continue to let myself be guided, whether it be by subconscious intent or energy waves, towards making these goals happen without obsessing over them daily. I'll continue the practice of intention and gratitude. And I'll continue to check in. I gotta say, I'm excited about the way things are moving in my life right now. So much to appreciate and take in. So much to love about living.

Seminary and Community

It's been about five weeks since I decided to take the plunge and check out Woolston-Steen Theological Seminary. And while I wasn't exactly working on a whim, I wasn't sure what to expect. Regular readers will know I was coming out of a period of intense questioning and feeling lost. And while I chose them for their connection with the Aquarian Tabernacle Church, which is nearby, I wasn't sure how I felt about the primary location for the seminary being in SecondLife, a virtual realm.

Could learning really happen there, or would it be like a chaotic chatroom with avatars? What about ritual? Would it feel like ritual if I weren't physically experiencing it? And while I know that real community can be built online, would it really help me feel supported, and maybe help me find my way further out of the darkness I've been inhabiting? Would I end up with the same lost feeling I've been experiencing so intensely these last few months?

Well. Let me say... yes, yes, yes, and no. I haven't felt so like I made the right spiritual choice since I found Diana's Grove back in 2000.

I've wanted to write about this for weeks now, and even posted a few teasers on FB. But there's so much to say, and I feel such a jumble of things (good things) that putting it out in an orderly fashion is a challenge. But here are some highlights:

• The process of applying and then speaking with people about my spiritual curriculum vitae put me back in touch with many of the women I've shared spiritual space with in the past. That has been an amazing experience of reconnection and love in and of itself. I hadn't necessarily lost touch with them, but communication hadn't been active. It is now. And that's a good thing.
• Writing up that CV reminded me just how much work I've done, how important priestessing is, and how I've been doing it anyway in my current position, without really meaning to. When I remembered and got more intentional, things shifted in a very real, very positive way.
• Because of the SecondLife component, I'm having a noob experience which is a humbling and awesome reminder of how the people I work with on a daily basis often feel when they come back to school.
• The classes (and thus far, I've only experienced first year classes) have far exceeded my expectations. This is the real deal, the teachers are professionals and the work the seminary is doing is amazing, needed and GOOD work.
• I'm in the process of applying to the graduate program at WSTS. I have also put forth that I would really love to use my professional knowledge and experience to help the seminary, and I'm looking forward to seeing that come to fruition.
• For the first time in a very long time, I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming part of a larger community. I am really looking forward to visiting Washington next month, when I will have a chance to physically meet many people I've only met virtually to date.
• I'm embarking on a second initiatory journey as well, and I think I'm getting a sense of who it will be with. It involves a return to my Celtic roots AND the occasional visit to Missouri, a state that hosted a huge amount of spiritual and personal growth for me, a state that is still to this day represented on my personal altar.
• I am back in the process of regular spiritual practice, and I'm sharing it with my daughter. It is a beautiful thing.

And there's so much more, but this is a quick update, and one I'm happy to share.

I am grateful, deeply grateful, to all the twists and turns that have brought me to here. The journey of this life is truly a rich and magickal one. I am grateful for each of you reading this, and for those who don't read but have still in some way deeply touched my spiritual experience.

I'm looking forward to more writing here, more active reflection on what I'm doing. I expect this will especially happen if/when I get accepted into the graduate program and certainly when I start my initiatory work. I hope my spiritual brothers and sisters will continue to follow along with me here, to engage in conversation and my spiritual life, even if it's from a distance.

imbolc 2014

My ritual and working will be a bit late, but I laid the foundation for it last night and this morning.

Imbolc has always been a special holy day for me, given my calling to Brighid many years ago, given that I gave Jasmine over to her Fire with a prayer I wrote, given that it was my first real ritual experience with a hps. It's fitting, then, that this return I'm having would start with Imbolc.

Yesterday my new Brighid statue arrived from Sacred Source. It's the same image of Brighid that we regularly connected with in Central Illinois, and the one you can see in Nina's dedication photo. I left that particular statue with Prairie Fire when I left Illinois, and while I don't regret that decision in the slightest, I have missed the connection. Seems fitting too that I would again feel a connection like this with a deity who straddles the mythos of Ireland and Christ, given where I am with that right now.

This year's working will involve goals, the planting of herb seeds and a tarot focus. I ordered the seeds this morning after choosing them carefully to support my prayers. We have a lovely mud room/entry way with many windows and abundant shelf space; this will become the home for these seeds once they arrive and I plant them. I will include cards with my prayer, votives and the tarot focus for each as I tend them. I'm looking forward to a year of manifesting many things, not the least of which is a renewal of my spiritual life.

what up wit' me? what up wit' you?

Oh you guys. So much going on in my brain and my heart and the place between where emotions live, and also in the place above where divine things dance. When push comes to shove with the idea of attending a Christian church, I just ... can't. I can't. The likelihood of having to deal with immense annoyance of the type that I find hard to ignore just makes it not viable. I'm glad I've come to a stronger relationship with Christ, and I think that will continue to grow. I don't know that the Christian label will ever fit comfortably on these shoulders. It's just not my world.

Also, the last post I had about what my sense of the divine is, my feeling of what is there, and how I relate to it kind of led me in a meandering way back to Wicca, particularly, to the Aquarian Tabernacle Church and their educational program. I've been aware of ATC for years, and knew they were in Washington, but had moved so far away from traditional Wicca that I didn't think about it as an option.

My Pagan readers will understand what I mean when I say I think I'm seeking an initiatory experience. (Maybe others get it too, I dunno.) I've been down that road once before, and it yielded amazing growth. It's time to do it again, and I'm going to do it with the ATC.

Their program is hosted between SecondLife and Moodle, and let me tell you, it's been a great exercise in empathy for my students to have to try to figure out both platforms. I'm totally serious - one of the things I'm doing here is remembering what it's like to not know how to navigate a system. In terms of the details of the classes, well yes, there are plenty of items that are simply review. But I'm trying to do it with a beginners mind, as much as I can. And the community is different - both the virtual one, and the one I'm hoping to reach out to in Washington.

Another interesting and unexpected effect has been a review of all the work I've done. I have to do it for the program, even though I was trying like Hel to avoid it. I crammed a lot of stuff into the last 20 years! I may post it here for posterity when I'm done putting it together. Maybe I'll make it like a portfolio. Remembering those things somehow makes sparks within myself flare up. That feels like a good thing.

The only shadow at the moment is that I'm so overwhelmed with work and other commitments, I'm trying to figure out how to make it all work. I'm sorely missing my little office in the Bloomington house. And I lost all my computer files relating to my past work, including my BoS. I'm devastated about it, and trying not to feel that too deeply. It's a good reason to start over, no? So tonight I'm going to tighten up my work space and get it back in order to do ... Work. I need to organize what's required, get together a schedule and begin to get back on track. Juggling all the Things That Need To Be Done is getting more insane, not less. Not sure what that's about. Doing all the things, plus working, plus parenting, plus having a relationship and attempting a social life and also getting some self care in? HOW?

I don't know if anyone even reads this anymore, but it must seem very scattered and incoherent. I'll eventually get to a place where I'm writing things that mean something to people other than myself soon. Promise.

not exactly comforting, but...

I've spent the past week or so thinking about my last post and the response and my response to the response. How's that for convoluted?? And thanks to the person who DID comment because she helped me figure out a key that I may have fumbled for quite a bit longer. Figures - she's usually good at playing that role for me.

Until now, my spiritual life has mostly been a seeking out of an experience of connection with and knowing of the divine in the multiverse. I've approached this seeking from a place of organized religion, then from my own journey that focused a lot on prayer (ritual/spellwork, same thing, really) and worship (offerings to the divine, learning the stories, acknowledging the gifts and lessons). Those are the ways we're often led to reach out to this thing we call by so many names, and which seems best defined as the divine.

Focusing on prayer and worship led to a lot of me worrying about doing things the right way, and a lot of enjoying the pomp and circumstance, as well as the intellectual engagement via research. And yet in the midst of prayer (ritual, community), I have felt that connection and it is truly magickal and ecstatic in that space. I have also felt the connection when I'm in touch with the wild world around me, mostly in deep green places like the PNW. I realized last night that this is what I'm missing - the connection. And it doesn't come from a book or a ritual outline or a particular story of a divine being. It comes from an inner opening that is really tough for me to make right now.

My draw to Jesus is that he was on the same journey. So rather than worship Christ, I'm more interested in his connection and how it happened. I'd rather have similar experiences than stop at admiring (worshiping) the person who did the same work I'm trying to do. I'd rather learn from him than put him on a pedestal. This is how I feel about other people who have a deep spiritual connection, and frankly, it helps me a great deal to see them as human, to know their struggles, to know their moments of doubt as well as their moments of connection. The most prevalent model in ALL faith traditions I've worked with is not to do this, but rather to make them more than human and to be threatened by their stories of struggle.

Look at how people reacted to "The Last Temptation of Christ" or "Dogma" for an illustration of this. Also, look to how many spiritual leaders talk about their struggles as if they were in the past (and conquered) rather than an ongoing part of the work. There's a reason for this, and I think it's deeply rooted in our psyches. Many people want to believe there is an end to the struggle, so they want to believe in people who seem to transcend the struggle. I've noticed this in all faiths I see practiced around me, and I think it's simply part of the human condition. It's good to remember the difference between practice and mastery. I think one may be an illusion.

I spent the past week looking for books or discussions on connecting with the divine. They're out there, but they're buried underneath a pile of books about worship and prayer, the needle in the haystack. I would deeply love to find a community that's interested in this same kind of work, and interested in doing it in a way that honors the vastness of the divine and all the ways it manifests. I would also deeply love finding that connection again on my own. I think that I'm starting to see how to do that, but I still have a long way to go. Right now I feel like I'm still heading away from the places I've known towards a place I sort of sense is there, but really won't know until I find it. Not exactly comforting, but it feels right.

you are sleeping...

The Smiths – Rubber Ring - 2011 Remastered Version

A recent conversation with a friend about the specifics of a belief in a divine force reminded me of this song, particularly the sample at the end, "you are sleeping... you do not want to believe... you are sleeping..."

I thought I'd share what I said here for the few friends and family who are keeping up with this blog. The conversation, which I initiated, started with these questions: So... where are you on the question of the existence of a divine force? What do you believe? What have you experienced?

And my friend addressed atheism before coming to his own belief statement, which is where I start my own answer, which I've edited slightly:

I think that some atheists are on the same spectrum as fundamentalists. They have an agenda, and nothing else matters, and they are just as fanatical about it… which leads me to think they’re just as unsure as the fundamentalists are of their own foundation. I mean really, why else would you spend SO much energy (angry energy) trying to convince others? I have a few friends (most, if not all male, interestingly enough) who identify as atheist and they have such anger mingled with it. Makes me sad, and definitely turns me off listening to what they have to say. I don’t want to be proselytized by a non-believer any more than I want to be proselytized by a believer. Other atheists seem to be very at peace with their truth, which to me indicates a much more well-considered and solid foundation. 

All I feel when I think about the absence of god is cold, alone and frankly, scared. And lately, that absence has been huge. I can’t find a connection in any of the places I’ve looked, and I feel cut off, forsaken even. I’ve felt that connection to the divine as an adult, and every once in a while I think I see the ghost of that connection when I’m in the forest, but it’s not as strong as it was even five years ago. I have met people of many different paths who are like avatars, who undeniably have that connection at any given time. I envy them, and I recognize that they seem to be by far the exception, rather than the rule. I think this group is where Jesus and the Buddha and other spiritually connected people have been, and where they continue to exist. In other words, I think people today are capable of having the same connection to god that Jesus or any other holy person has had, or is having. But I don’t have a clue any more how to get there.  And on bad days, I wonder if it’s all delusion.

In the past, I most often felt that connection in community, which is why, I think, a multi-faceted perspective of divinity has always made sense to me. We’re all holding the elephant, so to speak. But there is something that is bigger than the sum of the parts of community, and that’s the thing I think I see a ghost of when I’m out in nature. Maybe for me, being with other people who are of like mind and/or are acting together with spiritual intention is like an amplifier. Maybe I can’t find that connection alone. But that doesn’t feel right to me, not at all. On a very deep level, it doesn't feel possible that there is no way to experience god unless I'm with other people. In fact, it sometimes seems like that's where the trouble lies.

So I feel like I’m wandering in some spiritual desert, searching for water, which exists, but is sometimes a mirage. And in the desert, places where there were water sometimes dry up. Sometimes for a person’s lifetime. And sometimes only until the next rainy season. So… I don’t know if I’m in a place that’s so far from water that I’ll never make it back in this lifetime, or if I’m just between seasons. And it is intensely uncomfortable.

People say that faith is believing when you can’t feel or see something. I disagree. I have at various times in my life felt the presence of god, felt it physically both inside and outside my body. I’ve seen it in the landscape. I’ve heard it in music that’s being played live (and even occasionally with recordings). When I danced with Dionysos and Ariadne for a while, I tasted it. I've touched it in the skin of my babies. It’s nigh unto impossible for me to not have doubts now when all those things I’ve experienced seem like dim memories. That’s where the scared part comes in. Because was I fooling myself then, or now? 

I’m so restless when it comes to this, but restless without an outlet, which is incredibly frustrating. I’ve never felt this before, not when I was a kid milling around in Christianity, not when I was a newling Witch, and only … I think I can trace it back to the coven break-up in Arizona, maybe. But I think that was the straw. I think the seed of disconnect started with Jasmine’s death. And I wish I could figure it out. I wish I had a freaking map. I don’t even have a word to describe my position or belief because truly, most labels chafe, as do most religions, in one way or another. So WTF am I to do?

I guess the short answer is that like Mulder, I want to believe. But there’s a whole lot of Scully in my DNA. (interesting that in the show, Scully was the devout Christian, no?)

So if anyone reading this has thoughts, or would like to answer the question I originally posed, I'd love to read and dialogue.

quiet on the outside (cacophony on the inside)

There are patterns to how I approach things, for better or for worse. There are steps, even.

1. Something makes me uncomfortable and sticks in my head. It pisses me off, it chafes and it will not go away. It's an idea or a sentence or a movie or a song or a word, but what it really is ultimately is a challenge to some truth I've accepted.
2. I turn it over and over, trying to find the angle that lets me see what I need to see. I also try to find the angle that lets me put it away and not think about it any more. That happens, but less frequently than finding the thing I need to find.
3. That process invariably leads to seeking out information by reading and writing and engaging in conversation with people I trust. 
4. One of two things happens next. Either I go back to step 1, and that can happen MANY times as I work through something, or I find the new truth and begin to live a little differently.

Right now, I'm in the step 4 to 1 to 4 cycle. Last weekend I became obsessed with the idea that all this searching out Christ stuff is just a way of avoiding my fear that God doesn't exist. I was going to write about it, but frankly I was too depressed to get out of bed and make it happen. Then I kind of rebounded into the things that still speak to me from earth-centered spirituality, from Wicca. Then back out to what drives me away from that community. And so it goes. It's like this, to continue my trope of tarot illustration, and I am desperately trying to find a place in the middle, so as to avoid being thrown to the extremes of the edge. It's a lifelong challenge. This is my soul card.

I did a year reading on Samhain. November's card was the Knight of Swords, which is pretty much all about my steps one and two above. December's card is the Lovers, which is finding a way to relate. The Lovers is the resolution of step four, though I don't dare assume that this card showing up means resolution is going to happen in December. It's major arcana, which makes it about a life lesson. Certainly this feels like that. The transition from the Knight of Swords to the Lovers has been foggy and cold and cave-like. I'm not sure what comes next. Seems right, somehow, that tarot is part of the journey, given how it melds so many different symbols of faith. January is the Ace of Swords. Maybe the cycle starts again, or maybe it's something different all together. Time reveals all.

This process is TOUGH. I don't know anything. I am filled with doubt. I envy people who never struggle with faith, even as I know I could never be like them. I question. It's what I do, and who I am. It's not easy, but it's real. I can't pretend I don't struggle, and I can't pretend that my struggles and questions should somehow lead to discovery for someone else. I tried that for awhile. It never felt authentic. 

God or Christ or Gods and Goddesses... I have always felt there are more similarities than difference when you dig beneath the plants in the respective gardens. I do have fears of no God, no magick, no anything but the cold reality of science and space. Nihilistic though. And that's not how I want to approach the world. And in my gut - in what one particular friend might call my Buddha self - I know that there IS something divine and greater. There are avatars and people who have connected to that. I just ... need to find some peace around it. Community has helped that in the past. I hope the same will happen again, and soon.