Water, water everywhere

For most of my adult life as a witch, I've claimed to be a fire woman (in fact, FireWoman was a magickal name for a time) or an air woman (Queen of Swords, anyone?). Occasionally I'd undertake some work with earth, which was really about connecting with my body in some way. Water though? Water visited in the form of dreams - dreams where giant waves were waiting to pound me flat, to suffocate me, where there was no hope of swimming to the surface. Think the beach scene from Deep Impact.

Seriously. I still can't watch that scene. It gives me the willies.

Still, the ocean has long been a source of infinite energy for me. I feel amazing after a visit to the beach, even more so if it's stormy. Seems paradoxical, doesn't it? I'm drawn to the ocean when it's stormy, but I have nightmares about being crushed by a giant wave.

So the dream interpreter inside says it's about fear of emotion. And I think that's true for the most part. So I've avoided water as a guiding element, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unconsciously. Water gods or goddesses? No thanks. Tarot cards? Yeah, I'll probably draw the five of cups. 

Except recently, that has NOT been the case. And in April, for the first time in many years, I felt a call to the ocean, and it was a call from Manannán mac Lir. While in northwestern Washington, I saw a pod of whales in the wild for the first time in my life. I couldn't tear myself away from the beach. And I couldn't shake the image of a man wanting to guide me through the water. I knew who it was, but I was essentially in denial. Called by a god? A god of the water? Of the body of water most likely to create that crazy wave I dream about? Yes. Called by a god. A god of water, and mist, and liminal spaces. Called by Manannán mac Lir. And then the correspondences started to pile up.

• My house (like most wild places in Oregon) is surrounded by wild blackberry, a plant sacred to Manannán. 
• My wand, which I'd waited nearly two years to carve, was of alder, a tree sacred to Manannán. 
• In this season of spring, my house is surrounded by yellow flowers which are - surprise! - sacred to Manannán mac Lir. 
• He has ties to goddesses I've worked with over the years, with Áine and Brighid. 
• The centerpiece of the tattoo on my back has the triskelion in the center - a symbol associated with (among other things) Manannán mac Lir.

Manannán is a psychopomp, which figures, given that I've been working so hard to deal with the passing of my father and my daughter, as well as facing transitions, death and again, liminal spaces in other areas of my life. His stories of misting out the past to focus on the present make sense to me, as I spend far too much time thinking about what's behind me (occasionally what's ahead) and rarely on the now.

I've been visiting the sea at least once a week, listening. I've opened space on my altar. I've opened a space in my life. I'm kind of excited to feel called. It's been awhile since I've felt that kind of connection.

Coming to peace with water too, both in the sense of literal disaster waves (I do live near a tsunami zone, after all) and in the sense of emotion. The latter is more of a struggle, but it's work I'm doing, albeit mostly on my own.

What gods are you working with? Who calls to you?

two months? really?

Time gets away if you let it. I've been meaning to get to this blog and post for about two months. In April I attended the Spring Mysteries Festival up in Washington. I've been officially admitted as a graduate student at Woolston Steen Theological Seminary and begin my graduate work in a few short weeks.

I've kind of had my spiritual world rocked, not by mind-blowing newness, but by revelations about my own path that I really should be writing about so as to process. It's that spiral process that we talk about at WSTS - it's the labyrinth walk. Every trek around the center brings a different perspective.

Yet I find that when things are REALLY hard, and I don't have the clarity that brings comfort, I have difficulty writing. I have difficulty exposing the vulnerability. And really, I didn't expect to be wrestling again so soon with imposter syndrome (thanks grad school...), but so I am. I haven't written because I don't even know where to start. There's so much that's good, and so much that's challenging me, and so much that's driving me a little nuts - just so much. Added to that is mundane life, which is also so much in much the same ways. I'm long past overwhelmed.

And still...

I want to talk about the experiences at the seminary and at festival. I want to talk about being called by Mannanan mac Lir. I want to check in to see if I've actually been the priestess I thought I was, or if it was all ego. I want to feel anchored to a shared reality, to feel a little less liminal. Or... to feel a little more at peace with being so liminal.

I miss people who live close, who I can invite over for a glass of wine or a cup of coffee. I miss face-to-face conversation, connection and opportunity to talk through this stuff with someone who knows me and who knows my past story. The problem is that the people who fit that profile are scattered across the country. I can't afford to fly them all here, but I truly wish I could. I would love to sit in a circle of my spiritual brothers and sisters and feel heard... and also to listen to what's going on with them. And by listen, I mean to truly open to understand beyond the blips and bits offered by Facebook. That's such a fragmented view.

And also, I find I wish to connect more deeply with some of my newfound friends, but I'm struggling with feeling all the social anxiety that is so familiar. Most of them are several hours away (and more). Skype and SecondLife are great, but for me, they're not the same as real connection. I think they can be an extension of that, a way to maintain it, but I find it difficult to build that connection strictly online. It's awkward when I can't read someone's  body language and hear the nuance of voice inflection. I guess I rely on that more than I knew.

So I came here today to read someone else's blog, but ended up with an open box in front of me. This is what came of that. I'm pretty sure that everyone who reads this is someone who knows me for real, so tell me - what do you want to know? What do you want to read more about? And what do you most want me to know about what's happening in your world?