what up wit' me? what up wit' you?

Oh you guys. So much going on in my brain and my heart and the place between where emotions live, and also in the place above where divine things dance. When push comes to shove with the idea of attending a Christian church, I just ... can't. I can't. The likelihood of having to deal with immense annoyance of the type that I find hard to ignore just makes it not viable. I'm glad I've come to a stronger relationship with Christ, and I think that will continue to grow. I don't know that the Christian label will ever fit comfortably on these shoulders. It's just not my world.

Also, the last post I had about what my sense of the divine is, my feeling of what is there, and how I relate to it kind of led me in a meandering way back to Wicca, particularly, to the Aquarian Tabernacle Church and their educational program. I've been aware of ATC for years, and knew they were in Washington, but had moved so far away from traditional Wicca that I didn't think about it as an option.

My Pagan readers will understand what I mean when I say I think I'm seeking an initiatory experience. (Maybe others get it too, I dunno.) I've been down that road once before, and it yielded amazing growth. It's time to do it again, and I'm going to do it with the ATC.

Their program is hosted between SecondLife and Moodle, and let me tell you, it's been a great exercise in empathy for my students to have to try to figure out both platforms. I'm totally serious - one of the things I'm doing here is remembering what it's like to not know how to navigate a system. In terms of the details of the classes, well yes, there are plenty of items that are simply review. But I'm trying to do it with a beginners mind, as much as I can. And the community is different - both the virtual one, and the one I'm hoping to reach out to in Washington.

Another interesting and unexpected effect has been a review of all the work I've done. I have to do it for the program, even though I was trying like Hel to avoid it. I crammed a lot of stuff into the last 20 years! I may post it here for posterity when I'm done putting it together. Maybe I'll make it like a portfolio. Remembering those things somehow makes sparks within myself flare up. That feels like a good thing.

The only shadow at the moment is that I'm so overwhelmed with work and other commitments, I'm trying to figure out how to make it all work. I'm sorely missing my little office in the Bloomington house. And I lost all my computer files relating to my past work, including my BoS. I'm devastated about it, and trying not to feel that too deeply. It's a good reason to start over, no? So tonight I'm going to tighten up my work space and get it back in order to do ... Work. I need to organize what's required, get together a schedule and begin to get back on track. Juggling all the Things That Need To Be Done is getting more insane, not less. Not sure what that's about. Doing all the things, plus working, plus parenting, plus having a relationship and attempting a social life and also getting some self care in? HOW?

I don't know if anyone even reads this anymore, but it must seem very scattered and incoherent. I'll eventually get to a place where I'm writing things that mean something to people other than myself soon. Promise.

not exactly comforting, but...

I've spent the past week or so thinking about my last post and the response and my response to the response. How's that for convoluted?? And thanks to the person who DID comment because she helped me figure out a key that I may have fumbled for quite a bit longer. Figures - she's usually good at playing that role for me.

Until now, my spiritual life has mostly been a seeking out of an experience of connection with and knowing of the divine in the multiverse. I've approached this seeking from a place of organized religion, then from my own journey that focused a lot on prayer (ritual/spellwork, same thing, really) and worship (offerings to the divine, learning the stories, acknowledging the gifts and lessons). Those are the ways we're often led to reach out to this thing we call by so many names, and which seems best defined as the divine.

Focusing on prayer and worship led to a lot of me worrying about doing things the right way, and a lot of enjoying the pomp and circumstance, as well as the intellectual engagement via research. And yet in the midst of prayer (ritual, community), I have felt that connection and it is truly magickal and ecstatic in that space. I have also felt the connection when I'm in touch with the wild world around me, mostly in deep green places like the PNW. I realized last night that this is what I'm missing - the connection. And it doesn't come from a book or a ritual outline or a particular story of a divine being. It comes from an inner opening that is really tough for me to make right now.

My draw to Jesus is that he was on the same journey. So rather than worship Christ, I'm more interested in his connection and how it happened. I'd rather have similar experiences than stop at admiring (worshiping) the person who did the same work I'm trying to do. I'd rather learn from him than put him on a pedestal. This is how I feel about other people who have a deep spiritual connection, and frankly, it helps me a great deal to see them as human, to know their struggles, to know their moments of doubt as well as their moments of connection. The most prevalent model in ALL faith traditions I've worked with is not to do this, but rather to make them more than human and to be threatened by their stories of struggle.

Look at how people reacted to "The Last Temptation of Christ" or "Dogma" for an illustration of this. Also, look to how many spiritual leaders talk about their struggles as if they were in the past (and conquered) rather than an ongoing part of the work. There's a reason for this, and I think it's deeply rooted in our psyches. Many people want to believe there is an end to the struggle, so they want to believe in people who seem to transcend the struggle. I've noticed this in all faiths I see practiced around me, and I think it's simply part of the human condition. It's good to remember the difference between practice and mastery. I think one may be an illusion.

I spent the past week looking for books or discussions on connecting with the divine. They're out there, but they're buried underneath a pile of books about worship and prayer, the needle in the haystack. I would deeply love to find a community that's interested in this same kind of work, and interested in doing it in a way that honors the vastness of the divine and all the ways it manifests. I would also deeply love finding that connection again on my own. I think that I'm starting to see how to do that, but I still have a long way to go. Right now I feel like I'm still heading away from the places I've known towards a place I sort of sense is there, but really won't know until I find it. Not exactly comforting, but it feels right.

you are sleeping...

The Smiths – Rubber Ring - 2011 Remastered Version

A recent conversation with a friend about the specifics of a belief in a divine force reminded me of this song, particularly the sample at the end, "you are sleeping... you do not want to believe... you are sleeping..."

I thought I'd share what I said here for the few friends and family who are keeping up with this blog. The conversation, which I initiated, started with these questions: So... where are you on the question of the existence of a divine force? What do you believe? What have you experienced?

And my friend addressed atheism before coming to his own belief statement, which is where I start my own answer, which I've edited slightly:

I think that some atheists are on the same spectrum as fundamentalists. They have an agenda, and nothing else matters, and they are just as fanatical about it… which leads me to think they’re just as unsure as the fundamentalists are of their own foundation. I mean really, why else would you spend SO much energy (angry energy) trying to convince others? I have a few friends (most, if not all male, interestingly enough) who identify as atheist and they have such anger mingled with it. Makes me sad, and definitely turns me off listening to what they have to say. I don’t want to be proselytized by a non-believer any more than I want to be proselytized by a believer. Other atheists seem to be very at peace with their truth, which to me indicates a much more well-considered and solid foundation. 

All I feel when I think about the absence of god is cold, alone and frankly, scared. And lately, that absence has been huge. I can’t find a connection in any of the places I’ve looked, and I feel cut off, forsaken even. I’ve felt that connection to the divine as an adult, and every once in a while I think I see the ghost of that connection when I’m in the forest, but it’s not as strong as it was even five years ago. I have met people of many different paths who are like avatars, who undeniably have that connection at any given time. I envy them, and I recognize that they seem to be by far the exception, rather than the rule. I think this group is where Jesus and the Buddha and other spiritually connected people have been, and where they continue to exist. In other words, I think people today are capable of having the same connection to god that Jesus or any other holy person has had, or is having. But I don’t have a clue any more how to get there.  And on bad days, I wonder if it’s all delusion.

In the past, I most often felt that connection in community, which is why, I think, a multi-faceted perspective of divinity has always made sense to me. We’re all holding the elephant, so to speak. But there is something that is bigger than the sum of the parts of community, and that’s the thing I think I see a ghost of when I’m out in nature. Maybe for me, being with other people who are of like mind and/or are acting together with spiritual intention is like an amplifier. Maybe I can’t find that connection alone. But that doesn’t feel right to me, not at all. On a very deep level, it doesn't feel possible that there is no way to experience god unless I'm with other people. In fact, it sometimes seems like that's where the trouble lies.

So I feel like I’m wandering in some spiritual desert, searching for water, which exists, but is sometimes a mirage. And in the desert, places where there were water sometimes dry up. Sometimes for a person’s lifetime. And sometimes only until the next rainy season. So… I don’t know if I’m in a place that’s so far from water that I’ll never make it back in this lifetime, or if I’m just between seasons. And it is intensely uncomfortable.

People say that faith is believing when you can’t feel or see something. I disagree. I have at various times in my life felt the presence of god, felt it physically both inside and outside my body. I’ve seen it in the landscape. I’ve heard it in music that’s being played live (and even occasionally with recordings). When I danced with Dionysos and Ariadne for a while, I tasted it. I've touched it in the skin of my babies. It’s nigh unto impossible for me to not have doubts now when all those things I’ve experienced seem like dim memories. That’s where the scared part comes in. Because was I fooling myself then, or now? 

I’m so restless when it comes to this, but restless without an outlet, which is incredibly frustrating. I’ve never felt this before, not when I was a kid milling around in Christianity, not when I was a newling Witch, and only … I think I can trace it back to the coven break-up in Arizona, maybe. But I think that was the straw. I think the seed of disconnect started with Jasmine’s death. And I wish I could figure it out. I wish I had a freaking map. I don’t even have a word to describe my position or belief because truly, most labels chafe, as do most religions, in one way or another. So WTF am I to do?

I guess the short answer is that like Mulder, I want to believe. But there’s a whole lot of Scully in my DNA. (interesting that in the show, Scully was the devout Christian, no?)

So if anyone reading this has thoughts, or would like to answer the question I originally posed, I'd love to read and dialogue.