Creating the Life I Want

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to the kind of life I want to live, and the values I want to embody. There is a stark contrast between that life and the life I am living. It's not about what I can afford. I don't want an extravagant life or even an opulent one (though moments of that are certainly welcome and enjoyed). I just want a life that includes a lot of time outside, a lot of time helping other people and a lot of time working on causes that are important to me, like loving the Earth, human rights and little things like that.

So I started by taking a hard look at the life I am living, and this is ongoing. The assessment includes an analysis of my time and money and energy, for the most part - because isn't that what effects life most? I also think about my health in a holistic way, which is to say physical, mental and spiritual. How does that factor in? I've started to identify behaviors that are actual barriers to what I want my life to look like. And then, on a small but steady scale, I'm trying to make changes.

The first thing I did was to stop the gaming madness. Gaming has been a long time way to blow off steam, but more and more it's always a way to isolate myself from the people and the world around me. So I removed all Facebook games with a nice note to those I'd been gaming with. I cancelled my WoW account. And I've managed to stay away from the siren call of the Xbox. I have to revisit my vow nearly daily to not mindlessly fall back into the games, but that's why I removed them from their platforms. If I have to go through the trouble of reloading them, I have to think about why I'm doing it. That's stopped me each time.

I'm figuring out the spiritual stuff kind of as I go. Being in a seminary environment is really forcing an examination of, well, everything. If you've been reading, then you already saw the Witch or Druid post. Fortunately I don't think it has to be such a binary decision. I have been doing a lot of work to add pieces of druidic practice back into what I'm doing, and that feels exactly right. But it's taking more time, which brings me back to the study of how I currently spend my time and energy and what I can move, reduce or eliminate to make room for creating the life I want.

I'm getting older, you know? And all that "I'll figure it out later" stuff I used to tell myself isn't working. Regardless of whether or not you believe in reincarnation, there is a finite amount of time I have in this body and this time to learn the lessons I want to learn.

I'm also on the look-out for a good therapist, but it really needs to be one on my insurance. Right now I'm a little impatient because the ONE person on my area who isn't CBT/Brief Therapy-oriented is full (of course she is - she's the only one doing what she's doing). I'm holding out for the right person. I'm not in crisis, but I do want an excellent co-navigator to help me move through these changes. She may have some openings in September, and I'm hoping that works out.

This isn't the first time I've done this, and it's sort of a spiraling thing. I dance with this and each time a little more seems to shift, or I see it from a different perspective. It's the work of life for me, and I'm grateful for those people who still support me as I move through it, even if it's not in directions that make sense to anyone but me. Because at the end of it all, that will be it, won't it. What I got out of it. Not anyone else. Good for people-pleasing me to remember.

Witch or Druid?

You may remember my points from a recent post about what's working me now.  I'm working with a seminary that is unabashedly (and even beautifully) Wiccan. Whole-heartedly Wiccan, from the ritual style to theology to areas of interest (forms of healing humans, herbs, chakras, etc). I love them for being so Wiccan because nowadays it can be hard.

Because Wicca has been one of the more visible traditions (even accused of having privilege!), it's also been one that's often denigrated, sometimes rightfully and sometimes from a place of something kind of ugly. It can be difficult, for example, to go into traditions that value scholarship - sharp, supported scholarship - and claim my Wiccan past. If I do claim it, I am expected almost immediately to discount it. If I don't, then my own scholarship and ability to be discerning is sometimes called into question.

What I'm concerned about lately is whether I have any business representing myself as Wiccan clergy, particularly with the ATC. Why? Because I diverge pretty strongly on my theology of divinity. I moved away from the All, from the Lord and Lady as facets, or interchangeable parts, quite awhile back. And stepping back in has been both familiar and uncomfortable. Familiar because it's a form I know, language that was part of my early spiritual growth. For me, it was the first step away from a monotheistic model of the divine. Uncomfortable because it no longer fits how I experience the divine, and yet it is truly central to Wicca, and particularly to Wicca that is strongly influenced by British Traditional Wicca. How do I honestly teach a class without owning that my own definition of the gods has changed, and the Lord and Lady and the attendant term Consort no longer really work for me.

I also have a problem with the concept of polarity as it is currently discussed. It's not enough to say "Oh, we don't actually mean gender identity" when we use the words masculine and feminine. Those terms are inherently laden with gender assumption. If we truly wanted to explain polarity and take it away from male/female and into a place of gender-neutral discussion, we could. But there's a lot of traditional gender roles woven into the fabric of Wicca. That's not a value statement, it just seems to be something that is and it's not really working for me. In fact, it's always been something that doesn't make sense to me. If we all embody both aspects of polarity (which is a very dualistic perspective, by the by), then why does gender (either identity or cis) enter into the equation? Because it's a fertility ritual? Even in nature gender can be fluid. So the male-to-female or female-to-male components of so many rituals feels a bit contrived and illogical.

And I'm missing the stronger tie to the Earth, to the Mother. While healing people is a fine and weighty thing, I find myself wanting to focus on the Earth, to tie my practice to that. And this is where the Druids come in.

I have always loved the elements of scholarship in ADF. The training is pretty great, and even more so, I imagine, if a person is lucky enough to have a grove nearby. Given my draw to the Irish pantheon, and ADF's room for a broader expression of the divine, it's a great home for me in the very same theological sense that can make me feel out of place with my traditional Wiccan peers. But the balance here shifts towards the dogmatic, and this is the place where it can be a challenge to speak about having a Wiccan background without a lot of assumptions being made.

Druidry and BTW (British Traditional Wicca) share a lot of ritual traits in terms of liturgy. It's more about ritual theater than it is about experiential ritual. While I reserve space for ritual theater, I prefer it to be balanced with ritual that invites me to participate, and moreover, with ritual that allows me to have my own experience through careful use of language and ritual components. So both leave me a little cold in this area, but it feels as though this could be more about needing to spend more time with groups in the flesh, rather than online.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking it's something I should share with the folks I'm working with at the seminary. And I'm thinking I am probably missing some blinding thing here. I spent a fair amount of time eschewing labels, and I still get that, but ultimately found that what happened is that I just fell away from everyone, away from communities. That's not what I want.

And a third thing to throw in - I am really enjoying my UU interactions. I'm sure the fact that it's in person has a great deal to do with that. I keep hearing there are Pagans there. I'm waiting to meet them. I'm thinking maybe I need to do something to make it so. Certainly in a prior "life" I did a lot of that kind of work and I loved it. Maybe just a discussion group. Gods know I could certainly come up with topics... and facilitate the hell out of them. Because I got THAT out of college if nothing else.

What's Working Me Now

Coming back to a full-time spiritual practice (and training) following mundane grad school is proving to be challenging in ways I wouldn't have expected. Here's what's working me over.

• Raising my educational level (and arguably, life experience level) has lowered my tolerance for shoddy scholarship and shady claims. I already had a sensitive BS-o-Meter, and now it's more so. I also have a hard time with ignorance of larger systems (i.e. oppression, ecological and on and on).

• I have a lot of baggage preventing me from returning to my most recent tradition, some related to point one, but most related to boundaries and community dynamics and tradition foundations and experiences I had between 2004 and 2011. Even if I worked through this baggage (and I desperately need to, likely with some assistance), I don't think I can or will return to that tradition. There are too many things surrounding the pieces I like (namely ritual style and commitment to the Earth).

• I don't experience the gods as psychological constructs or thoughtforms or facets of one (or two) divine force(s). I experience them as distinct, part of a larger cultural context (including other gods) and accompanied by ancestors, nature spirits and other beings.

• I see value in melding scholarship (i.e. knowing your gods and their culture and their historical contexts) with form with ecstatic ritual AND formalized, structured, accessible training programs (that use some great spiritual leadership components rather than sage-on-the-stage models) - and I don't see this happening. Anywhere. Certainly not in a place accessible to me.

• Speaking of ecstatic ritual, I also have experienced growth and emotional breakthrough as a result of participating in ritual theater - not as an actor, mind you, but as a witness. The ecstatic ritual community often seems to view this as an either/or proposition, and I feel it is both/and. So add ritual theater to the above list of things I value. It's a new addition, but one I'm glad I'm shifting on. (The ritual theater community tends to be intensely uncomfortable trusting themselves without a script. I've been there, and I get it, but I've seen magic happen via improv - which is what I think ecstatic ritual feels like to them - too.)

Thinking about this for the past several weeks, I thought again about how I often find myself in liminal places. In fact, I often seek these liminal places out - I even live in one, a place where land, sea, sky and river meets, working at a place where people stop to gather resources to continue with their path, or forge a new one. I crave that mist-shrouded space, but I find myself most often alone there. I never quite feel like I fit completely into one space. I'm always straddling the line. And I NEVER intentionally "drink the kool-aid" - that's just anathema to me. Sometimes that makes me unpopular.

I am missing a person to talk to regularly about this stuff when it comes up. Hoping to find a person to fit that space soon. In the meantime, I'll just keep walking here at the edge and doing the work.

Wuv... Twu Wuv...

For Beltaine, I had to write a short response to love and fertility deities and mythologies. In particular, I was supposed to contrast them with the Adonis myth. I was kind of surprised by what I came up with.

Youth, lust, possession, lack of consent, immaturity, impatience… all things that seem to function in most Western myths related to deities who are considered to be love and fertility deities. Doing the light research for this assignment, that was the first thing I thought (and this may well be related to my own age and position in life vs. watching my newly-minted adult daughter navigate her own relationship waters). The question I had? Why is it always about possession and jealousy and sex? Does sex have to be about possession and jealousy?

As an experienced adult, I think the answer is no. Does sex = love? Nope, that doesn't follow either. In fact, what I see in a lot of these myths are the strains of heterosexual monogamous relationship models where being in a relationship implies some kind of ownership of one’s partner. What I’m interested in knowing is whether this is because we’re retelling them through the society of today, or whether these things have been related since time immemorial. Most people would say that the latter is true, but I’d be interested in some data to back that up.

When I was young, I might have believed these myths were great models for relationships. Now I feel like perhaps they could be great models for what NOT to do in a relationship, whether it be romantic or not. Where’s the love/fertility deity who models great communication skills, compassion, patience, boundaries and consent? Do those things have to be separate from love and fertility? I sure hope not.

If I take a different perspective on fertility - if I take it into the realm of other ways of creating, like writing, art, visioning and one’s own work - that shifts things to some extent, but still… these stories still bring up questions for me around obsession and balance, communication and true devotion and love. How do we act on passion without destroying boundaries? And how do we sustain relationships past the point of conception?

I’m not sure I’m providing much in the ways of answers here, but these have been the questions I’m sitting with as I think about how in mythology, one must dig deeper to find narratives about love and fertility that aren’t deeply entwined with jealousy and “taking” a person (in many ways perpetuating rape culture - yeah, I said it. I went there).  Some of them could stand a good re-telling.

Tell me... what love/fertility myths are the exception to this? Why the conflation of love and lust? Do you think they're the same?

Dreams?

For the past two months or so, I've been having some strange dream experiences. If you know me at all, you'll know that's saying something. I've been a lucid dreamer since I was 9 or so and heard a program on NPR that gave tips on how to develop the skill. My dreams have recognized patterns in a way that some consider premonitory (I just think my brain put pieces together when I was sleeping - nothing supernatural). And I've had hypnagogic hallucinations since I was very young. So you could say I'm a very active dreamer, one who remembers dreams well. I spend a lot of time in the sleep borderlands. I'm not sure if it's an effect of being a light sleeper or the cause.

So what could possibly be new at age 43 and a little? Well, twice now I've had sleep experiences that are sort of like hypnagogic hallucinations in that I'm aware of my waking world reality - the light and shadows in the room, the sound from the road, etc - but different in that I am being invaded by an entity of some sort. I can feel it in my deepest self, and the only way I can "evict" it through a tremendous force of will, followed by a strong round of shoring up barriers. I've never had such a sense of invasion, not even when I was pregnant. I can't get a sense of who or what the thing is, only that we are in a deep struggle for control. I've managed to get it out twice now, but each time I wake up feeling unsettled and attacked. It's not a fun way to be.

Last night I had another new experience, also when in the sleep/wake hypnagogic state. In this one, I was listening to the noises around me - the cars on the road, the rattling windows, and so on. Suddenly the sounds disappeared, and I could hear nothing but wind and bird song and water. I received a message of "this is the true reality" from a genderless voice. And then I was right back into the real sounds. I felt peaceful, and I drifted back into deeper sleep.

I find myself switching between science and the mystical in trying to puzzle out what's going on. Maybe my hypnagogic hallucinations are morphing somehow in response to some aging hormonal change? Or are things actually changing? What the hell is up with the attacking thing? The first time that happened, I kind of shrugged it off, though I did tell Jeff about it. The second time shook me. Of course if it happens again, I'll go through the process of "Who or what are you?" "What do you want?"

In the meantime, I'm not having much luck finding anything on the 'net to help me puzzle it out. I'd be interested in knowing if any of you have had these experiences. I remember how relieved I was years ago when I found out I wasn't the only one who saw the sleep spiders (this is one of the "normal" manifestations of my hypnagogic hallucinations).

Water, water everywhere

For most of my adult life as a witch, I've claimed to be a fire woman (in fact, FireWoman was a magickal name for a time) or an air woman (Queen of Swords, anyone?). Occasionally I'd undertake some work with earth, which was really about connecting with my body in some way. Water though? Water visited in the form of dreams - dreams where giant waves were waiting to pound me flat, to suffocate me, where there was no hope of swimming to the surface. Think the beach scene from Deep Impact.

Seriously. I still can't watch that scene. It gives me the willies.

Still, the ocean has long been a source of infinite energy for me. I feel amazing after a visit to the beach, even more so if it's stormy. Seems paradoxical, doesn't it? I'm drawn to the ocean when it's stormy, but I have nightmares about being crushed by a giant wave.

So the dream interpreter inside says it's about fear of emotion. And I think that's true for the most part. So I've avoided water as a guiding element, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unconsciously. Water gods or goddesses? No thanks. Tarot cards? Yeah, I'll probably draw the five of cups. 

Except recently, that has NOT been the case. And in April, for the first time in many years, I felt a call to the ocean, and it was a call from Manannán mac Lir. While in northwestern Washington, I saw a pod of whales in the wild for the first time in my life. I couldn't tear myself away from the beach. And I couldn't shake the image of a man wanting to guide me through the water. I knew who it was, but I was essentially in denial. Called by a god? A god of the water? Of the body of water most likely to create that crazy wave I dream about? Yes. Called by a god. A god of water, and mist, and liminal spaces. Called by Manannán mac Lir. And then the correspondences started to pile up.

• My house (like most wild places in Oregon) is surrounded by wild blackberry, a plant sacred to Manannán. 
• My wand, which I'd waited nearly two years to carve, was of alder, a tree sacred to Manannán. 
• In this season of spring, my house is surrounded by yellow flowers which are - surprise! - sacred to Manannán mac Lir. 
• He has ties to goddesses I've worked with over the years, with Áine and Brighid. 
• The centerpiece of the tattoo on my back has the triskelion in the center - a symbol associated with (among other things) Manannán mac Lir.

Manannán is a psychopomp, which figures, given that I've been working so hard to deal with the passing of my father and my daughter, as well as facing transitions, death and again, liminal spaces in other areas of my life. His stories of misting out the past to focus on the present make sense to me, as I spend far too much time thinking about what's behind me (occasionally what's ahead) and rarely on the now.

I've been visiting the sea at least once a week, listening. I've opened space on my altar. I've opened a space in my life. I'm kind of excited to feel called. It's been awhile since I've felt that kind of connection.

Coming to peace with water too, both in the sense of literal disaster waves (I do live near a tsunami zone, after all) and in the sense of emotion. The latter is more of a struggle, but it's work I'm doing, albeit mostly on my own.

What gods are you working with? Who calls to you?

two months? really?

Time gets away if you let it. I've been meaning to get to this blog and post for about two months. In April I attended the Spring Mysteries Festival up in Washington. I've been officially admitted as a graduate student at Woolston Steen Theological Seminary and begin my graduate work in a few short weeks.

I've kind of had my spiritual world rocked, not by mind-blowing newness, but by revelations about my own path that I really should be writing about so as to process. It's that spiral process that we talk about at WSTS - it's the labyrinth walk. Every trek around the center brings a different perspective.

Yet I find that when things are REALLY hard, and I don't have the clarity that brings comfort, I have difficulty writing. I have difficulty exposing the vulnerability. And really, I didn't expect to be wrestling again so soon with imposter syndrome (thanks grad school...), but so I am. I haven't written because I don't even know where to start. There's so much that's good, and so much that's challenging me, and so much that's driving me a little nuts - just so much. Added to that is mundane life, which is also so much in much the same ways. I'm long past overwhelmed.

And still...

I want to talk about the experiences at the seminary and at festival. I want to talk about being called by Mannanan mac Lir. I want to check in to see if I've actually been the priestess I thought I was, or if it was all ego. I want to feel anchored to a shared reality, to feel a little less liminal. Or... to feel a little more at peace with being so liminal.

I miss people who live close, who I can invite over for a glass of wine or a cup of coffee. I miss face-to-face conversation, connection and opportunity to talk through this stuff with someone who knows me and who knows my past story. The problem is that the people who fit that profile are scattered across the country. I can't afford to fly them all here, but I truly wish I could. I would love to sit in a circle of my spiritual brothers and sisters and feel heard... and also to listen to what's going on with them. And by listen, I mean to truly open to understand beyond the blips and bits offered by Facebook. That's such a fragmented view.

And also, I find I wish to connect more deeply with some of my newfound friends, but I'm struggling with feeling all the social anxiety that is so familiar. Most of them are several hours away (and more). Skype and SecondLife are great, but for me, they're not the same as real connection. I think they can be an extension of that, a way to maintain it, but I find it difficult to build that connection strictly online. It's awkward when I can't read someone's  body language and hear the nuance of voice inflection. I guess I rely on that more than I knew.

So I came here today to read someone else's blog, but ended up with an open box in front of me. This is what came of that. I'm pretty sure that everyone who reads this is someone who knows me for real, so tell me - what do you want to know? What do you want to read more about? And what do you most want me to know about what's happening in your world?

On Ostara, Thinking Back to Imbolc

For Imbolc, I set 12 goals, which I wrote in affirmation language. They were as follow:

1. I care for my body by eating well and regular movement so that I have energy to accomplish my goals.
2. I have a reasonable budget and plan for paying regularly on my student loan.
3. I am at peace with my family and am able to enjoy spending time with them.
4. Our home is a lovely, sacred sanctuary to the Gods.
5. I am enjoying awakened and fulfilled sexuality.
6. I live free of anxiety attacks.
7. I support myself and my partner in having our relationship needs met.
8. I am in touch with the spirits of my daughter and my father.
9. I have finished my first full-length novel, The Crossing.
10. I am a contributing and appreciated member of my professional and physical community.
11. I am a member of a spiritual community, feeling fulfilled and challenged, loved and supported.
12. I have fully reconnected with the Gods and have reintegrated my spiritual practice and my daily life.

Almost as soon as I set them, some of them started to happen; namely #6, #8 and #12. Others are quickly starting to germinate: #1, #2, #10 and #11. And still others are slowly quickening. I'm not sure what the end of the year will bring, but at this point, it seems likely that it will be good things.

Part of my regular practice with WSTS is daily devotionals. These involve both setting intention and gratitude. I am convinced that these two very simple things are a large part of why things are starting to shift. I am also reminded that magick works best when you do it, create some alignment via action and then STOP OBSESSING OVER IT. And I've been able to do that more easily than I remember.

When I first started down this path decades ago, I didn't have a lot of education to back up what I intuitively understood. I got the idea of symbolic and sympathetic magick pretty quickly, and then layered years of talking about ritual laying patterns in the soul with my work at the Grove. Years later I know that many of these principles of magick and ritual are backed up by studies in human behavior, in seeing what allows us to change. Or maybe those in-between years of experience and education have colored how I remember intuiting the basics of why magic works. Whether you believe it's about sending out energy into the world (like literally, in waves, a sort of quantum physics approach) or about reprogramming your mind, the result can be the same. 

So I'll continue to let myself be guided, whether it be by subconscious intent or energy waves, towards making these goals happen without obsessing over them daily. I'll continue the practice of intention and gratitude. And I'll continue to check in. I gotta say, I'm excited about the way things are moving in my life right now. So much to appreciate and take in. So much to love about living.

Seminary and Community

It's been about five weeks since I decided to take the plunge and check out Woolston-Steen Theological Seminary. And while I wasn't exactly working on a whim, I wasn't sure what to expect. Regular readers will know I was coming out of a period of intense questioning and feeling lost. And while I chose them for their connection with the Aquarian Tabernacle Church, which is nearby, I wasn't sure how I felt about the primary location for the seminary being in SecondLife, a virtual realm.

Could learning really happen there, or would it be like a chaotic chatroom with avatars? What about ritual? Would it feel like ritual if I weren't physically experiencing it? And while I know that real community can be built online, would it really help me feel supported, and maybe help me find my way further out of the darkness I've been inhabiting? Would I end up with the same lost feeling I've been experiencing so intensely these last few months?

Well. Let me say... yes, yes, yes, and no. I haven't felt so like I made the right spiritual choice since I found Diana's Grove back in 2000.

I've wanted to write about this for weeks now, and even posted a few teasers on FB. But there's so much to say, and I feel such a jumble of things (good things) that putting it out in an orderly fashion is a challenge. But here are some highlights:

• The process of applying and then speaking with people about my spiritual curriculum vitae put me back in touch with many of the women I've shared spiritual space with in the past. That has been an amazing experience of reconnection and love in and of itself. I hadn't necessarily lost touch with them, but communication hadn't been active. It is now. And that's a good thing.
• Writing up that CV reminded me just how much work I've done, how important priestessing is, and how I've been doing it anyway in my current position, without really meaning to. When I remembered and got more intentional, things shifted in a very real, very positive way.
• Because of the SecondLife component, I'm having a noob experience which is a humbling and awesome reminder of how the people I work with on a daily basis often feel when they come back to school.
• The classes (and thus far, I've only experienced first year classes) have far exceeded my expectations. This is the real deal, the teachers are professionals and the work the seminary is doing is amazing, needed and GOOD work.
• I'm in the process of applying to the graduate program at WSTS. I have also put forth that I would really love to use my professional knowledge and experience to help the seminary, and I'm looking forward to seeing that come to fruition.
• For the first time in a very long time, I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming part of a larger community. I am really looking forward to visiting Washington next month, when I will have a chance to physically meet many people I've only met virtually to date.
• I'm embarking on a second initiatory journey as well, and I think I'm getting a sense of who it will be with. It involves a return to my Celtic roots AND the occasional visit to Missouri, a state that hosted a huge amount of spiritual and personal growth for me, a state that is still to this day represented on my personal altar.
• I am back in the process of regular spiritual practice, and I'm sharing it with my daughter. It is a beautiful thing.

And there's so much more, but this is a quick update, and one I'm happy to share.

I am grateful, deeply grateful, to all the twists and turns that have brought me to here. The journey of this life is truly a rich and magickal one. I am grateful for each of you reading this, and for those who don't read but have still in some way deeply touched my spiritual experience.

I'm looking forward to more writing here, more active reflection on what I'm doing. I expect this will especially happen if/when I get accepted into the graduate program and certainly when I start my initiatory work. I hope my spiritual brothers and sisters will continue to follow along with me here, to engage in conversation and my spiritual life, even if it's from a distance.

imbolc 2014

My ritual and working will be a bit late, but I laid the foundation for it last night and this morning.

Imbolc has always been a special holy day for me, given my calling to Brighid many years ago, given that I gave Jasmine over to her Fire with a prayer I wrote, given that it was my first real ritual experience with a hps. It's fitting, then, that this return I'm having would start with Imbolc.

Yesterday my new Brighid statue arrived from Sacred Source. It's the same image of Brighid that we regularly connected with in Central Illinois, and the one you can see in Nina's dedication photo. I left that particular statue with Prairie Fire when I left Illinois, and while I don't regret that decision in the slightest, I have missed the connection. Seems fitting too that I would again feel a connection like this with a deity who straddles the mythos of Ireland and Christ, given where I am with that right now.

This year's working will involve goals, the planting of herb seeds and a tarot focus. I ordered the seeds this morning after choosing them carefully to support my prayers. We have a lovely mud room/entry way with many windows and abundant shelf space; this will become the home for these seeds once they arrive and I plant them. I will include cards with my prayer, votives and the tarot focus for each as I tend them. I'm looking forward to a year of manifesting many things, not the least of which is a renewal of my spiritual life.

what up wit' me? what up wit' you?

Oh you guys. So much going on in my brain and my heart and the place between where emotions live, and also in the place above where divine things dance. When push comes to shove with the idea of attending a Christian church, I just ... can't. I can't. The likelihood of having to deal with immense annoyance of the type that I find hard to ignore just makes it not viable. I'm glad I've come to a stronger relationship with Christ, and I think that will continue to grow. I don't know that the Christian label will ever fit comfortably on these shoulders. It's just not my world.

Also, the last post I had about what my sense of the divine is, my feeling of what is there, and how I relate to it kind of led me in a meandering way back to Wicca, particularly, to the Aquarian Tabernacle Church and their educational program. I've been aware of ATC for years, and knew they were in Washington, but had moved so far away from traditional Wicca that I didn't think about it as an option.

My Pagan readers will understand what I mean when I say I think I'm seeking an initiatory experience. (Maybe others get it too, I dunno.) I've been down that road once before, and it yielded amazing growth. It's time to do it again, and I'm going to do it with the ATC.

Their program is hosted between SecondLife and Moodle, and let me tell you, it's been a great exercise in empathy for my students to have to try to figure out both platforms. I'm totally serious - one of the things I'm doing here is remembering what it's like to not know how to navigate a system. In terms of the details of the classes, well yes, there are plenty of items that are simply review. But I'm trying to do it with a beginners mind, as much as I can. And the community is different - both the virtual one, and the one I'm hoping to reach out to in Washington.

Another interesting and unexpected effect has been a review of all the work I've done. I have to do it for the program, even though I was trying like Hel to avoid it. I crammed a lot of stuff into the last 20 years! I may post it here for posterity when I'm done putting it together. Maybe I'll make it like a portfolio. Remembering those things somehow makes sparks within myself flare up. That feels like a good thing.

The only shadow at the moment is that I'm so overwhelmed with work and other commitments, I'm trying to figure out how to make it all work. I'm sorely missing my little office in the Bloomington house. And I lost all my computer files relating to my past work, including my BoS. I'm devastated about it, and trying not to feel that too deeply. It's a good reason to start over, no? So tonight I'm going to tighten up my work space and get it back in order to do ... Work. I need to organize what's required, get together a schedule and begin to get back on track. Juggling all the Things That Need To Be Done is getting more insane, not less. Not sure what that's about. Doing all the things, plus working, plus parenting, plus having a relationship and attempting a social life and also getting some self care in? HOW?

I don't know if anyone even reads this anymore, but it must seem very scattered and incoherent. I'll eventually get to a place where I'm writing things that mean something to people other than myself soon. Promise.

not exactly comforting, but...

I've spent the past week or so thinking about my last post and the response and my response to the response. How's that for convoluted?? And thanks to the person who DID comment because she helped me figure out a key that I may have fumbled for quite a bit longer. Figures - she's usually good at playing that role for me.

Until now, my spiritual life has mostly been a seeking out of an experience of connection with and knowing of the divine in the multiverse. I've approached this seeking from a place of organized religion, then from my own journey that focused a lot on prayer (ritual/spellwork, same thing, really) and worship (offerings to the divine, learning the stories, acknowledging the gifts and lessons). Those are the ways we're often led to reach out to this thing we call by so many names, and which seems best defined as the divine.

Focusing on prayer and worship led to a lot of me worrying about doing things the right way, and a lot of enjoying the pomp and circumstance, as well as the intellectual engagement via research. And yet in the midst of prayer (ritual, community), I have felt that connection and it is truly magickal and ecstatic in that space. I have also felt the connection when I'm in touch with the wild world around me, mostly in deep green places like the PNW. I realized last night that this is what I'm missing - the connection. And it doesn't come from a book or a ritual outline or a particular story of a divine being. It comes from an inner opening that is really tough for me to make right now.

My draw to Jesus is that he was on the same journey. So rather than worship Christ, I'm more interested in his connection and how it happened. I'd rather have similar experiences than stop at admiring (worshiping) the person who did the same work I'm trying to do. I'd rather learn from him than put him on a pedestal. This is how I feel about other people who have a deep spiritual connection, and frankly, it helps me a great deal to see them as human, to know their struggles, to know their moments of doubt as well as their moments of connection. The most prevalent model in ALL faith traditions I've worked with is not to do this, but rather to make them more than human and to be threatened by their stories of struggle.

Look at how people reacted to "The Last Temptation of Christ" or "Dogma" for an illustration of this. Also, look to how many spiritual leaders talk about their struggles as if they were in the past (and conquered) rather than an ongoing part of the work. There's a reason for this, and I think it's deeply rooted in our psyches. Many people want to believe there is an end to the struggle, so they want to believe in people who seem to transcend the struggle. I've noticed this in all faiths I see practiced around me, and I think it's simply part of the human condition. It's good to remember the difference between practice and mastery. I think one may be an illusion.

I spent the past week looking for books or discussions on connecting with the divine. They're out there, but they're buried underneath a pile of books about worship and prayer, the needle in the haystack. I would deeply love to find a community that's interested in this same kind of work, and interested in doing it in a way that honors the vastness of the divine and all the ways it manifests. I would also deeply love finding that connection again on my own. I think that I'm starting to see how to do that, but I still have a long way to go. Right now I feel like I'm still heading away from the places I've known towards a place I sort of sense is there, but really won't know until I find it. Not exactly comforting, but it feels right.

you are sleeping...

The Smiths – Rubber Ring - 2011 Remastered Version

A recent conversation with a friend about the specifics of a belief in a divine force reminded me of this song, particularly the sample at the end, "you are sleeping... you do not want to believe... you are sleeping..."

I thought I'd share what I said here for the few friends and family who are keeping up with this blog. The conversation, which I initiated, started with these questions: So... where are you on the question of the existence of a divine force? What do you believe? What have you experienced?

And my friend addressed atheism before coming to his own belief statement, which is where I start my own answer, which I've edited slightly:

I think that some atheists are on the same spectrum as fundamentalists. They have an agenda, and nothing else matters, and they are just as fanatical about it… which leads me to think they’re just as unsure as the fundamentalists are of their own foundation. I mean really, why else would you spend SO much energy (angry energy) trying to convince others? I have a few friends (most, if not all male, interestingly enough) who identify as atheist and they have such anger mingled with it. Makes me sad, and definitely turns me off listening to what they have to say. I don’t want to be proselytized by a non-believer any more than I want to be proselytized by a believer. Other atheists seem to be very at peace with their truth, which to me indicates a much more well-considered and solid foundation. 

All I feel when I think about the absence of god is cold, alone and frankly, scared. And lately, that absence has been huge. I can’t find a connection in any of the places I’ve looked, and I feel cut off, forsaken even. I’ve felt that connection to the divine as an adult, and every once in a while I think I see the ghost of that connection when I’m in the forest, but it’s not as strong as it was even five years ago. I have met people of many different paths who are like avatars, who undeniably have that connection at any given time. I envy them, and I recognize that they seem to be by far the exception, rather than the rule. I think this group is where Jesus and the Buddha and other spiritually connected people have been, and where they continue to exist. In other words, I think people today are capable of having the same connection to god that Jesus or any other holy person has had, or is having. But I don’t have a clue any more how to get there.  And on bad days, I wonder if it’s all delusion.

In the past, I most often felt that connection in community, which is why, I think, a multi-faceted perspective of divinity has always made sense to me. We’re all holding the elephant, so to speak. But there is something that is bigger than the sum of the parts of community, and that’s the thing I think I see a ghost of when I’m out in nature. Maybe for me, being with other people who are of like mind and/or are acting together with spiritual intention is like an amplifier. Maybe I can’t find that connection alone. But that doesn’t feel right to me, not at all. On a very deep level, it doesn't feel possible that there is no way to experience god unless I'm with other people. In fact, it sometimes seems like that's where the trouble lies.

So I feel like I’m wandering in some spiritual desert, searching for water, which exists, but is sometimes a mirage. And in the desert, places where there were water sometimes dry up. Sometimes for a person’s lifetime. And sometimes only until the next rainy season. So… I don’t know if I’m in a place that’s so far from water that I’ll never make it back in this lifetime, or if I’m just between seasons. And it is intensely uncomfortable.

People say that faith is believing when you can’t feel or see something. I disagree. I have at various times in my life felt the presence of god, felt it physically both inside and outside my body. I’ve seen it in the landscape. I’ve heard it in music that’s being played live (and even occasionally with recordings). When I danced with Dionysos and Ariadne for a while, I tasted it. I've touched it in the skin of my babies. It’s nigh unto impossible for me to not have doubts now when all those things I’ve experienced seem like dim memories. That’s where the scared part comes in. Because was I fooling myself then, or now? 

I’m so restless when it comes to this, but restless without an outlet, which is incredibly frustrating. I’ve never felt this before, not when I was a kid milling around in Christianity, not when I was a newling Witch, and only … I think I can trace it back to the coven break-up in Arizona, maybe. But I think that was the straw. I think the seed of disconnect started with Jasmine’s death. And I wish I could figure it out. I wish I had a freaking map. I don’t even have a word to describe my position or belief because truly, most labels chafe, as do most religions, in one way or another. So WTF am I to do?

I guess the short answer is that like Mulder, I want to believe. But there’s a whole lot of Scully in my DNA. (interesting that in the show, Scully was the devout Christian, no?)

So if anyone reading this has thoughts, or would like to answer the question I originally posed, I'd love to read and dialogue.