I've been giving a lot of thought lately to the kind of life I want to live, and the values I want to embody. There is a stark contrast between that life and the life I am living. It's not about what I can afford. I don't want an extravagant life or even an opulent one (though moments of that are certainly welcome and enjoyed). I just want a life that includes a lot of time outside, a lot of time helping other people and a lot of time working on causes that are important to me, like loving the Earth, human rights and little things like that.
So I started by taking a hard look at the life I am living, and this is ongoing. The assessment includes an analysis of my time and money and energy, for the most part - because isn't that what effects life most? I also think about my health in a holistic way, which is to say physical, mental and spiritual. How does that factor in? I've started to identify behaviors that are actual barriers to what I want my life to look like. And then, on a small but steady scale, I'm trying to make changes.
The first thing I did was to stop the gaming madness. Gaming has been a long time way to blow off steam, but more and more it's always a way to isolate myself from the people and the world around me. So I removed all Facebook games with a nice note to those I'd been gaming with. I cancelled my WoW account. And I've managed to stay away from the siren call of the Xbox. I have to revisit my vow nearly daily to not mindlessly fall back into the games, but that's why I removed them from their platforms. If I have to go through the trouble of reloading them, I have to think about why I'm doing it. That's stopped me each time.
I'm figuring out the spiritual stuff kind of as I go. Being in a seminary environment is really forcing an examination of, well, everything. If you've been reading, then you already saw the Witch or Druid post. Fortunately I don't think it has to be such a binary decision. I have been doing a lot of work to add pieces of druidic practice back into what I'm doing, and that feels exactly right. But it's taking more time, which brings me back to the study of how I currently spend my time and energy and what I can move, reduce or eliminate to make room for creating the life I want.
I'm getting older, you know? And all that "I'll figure it out later" stuff I used to tell myself isn't working. Regardless of whether or not you believe in reincarnation, there is a finite amount of time I have in this body and this time to learn the lessons I want to learn.
I'm also on the look-out for a good therapist, but it really needs to be one on my insurance. Right now I'm a little impatient because the ONE person on my area who isn't CBT/Brief Therapy-oriented is full (of course she is - she's the only one doing what she's doing). I'm holding out for the right person. I'm not in crisis, but I do want an excellent co-navigator to help me move through these changes. She may have some openings in September, and I'm hoping that works out.
This isn't the first time I've done this, and it's sort of a spiraling thing. I dance with this and each time a little more seems to shift, or I see it from a different perspective. It's the work of life for me, and I'm grateful for those people who still support me as I move through it, even if it's not in directions that make sense to anyone but me. Because at the end of it all, that will be it, won't it. What I got out of it. Not anyone else. Good for people-pleasing me to remember.
