T and I met at the rose gardens in Washington Park on Saturday to chat about the chapters. I thought we'd be done in a few hours, but as usual, we took longer, winding our way through the chapters and out and then back again, all while enjoying a truly beautiful part of the city.
Some interesting themes arose for me out of the questions "how did we come to Isis" and "what connections are we seeking." In the case of the first, I noted all the signs I'd had (and ignored) over the years. Starting from a very young age, Isis may have been the first goddess I was exposed to because my dad was obsessed with Dylan's "Desire" album (1976), which opened with a track called "Isis." We had dogs named Isis (after the track) for awhile. The images I found related to her seemed distant and exotic.
Early in my pagan years, I had some dream interactions with kestrels and falcons, along with a rainbow-winged woman. I knew it was Isis, but I was pretty set on working with other pantheons and gods; first the Irish, then the Greeks. On the night of my first degree initiation, she came to me as I meditated in preparation for the ritual. Still I ignored her, and she never pushed.
When I moved to Oregon, I was very intentionally turning away from the desert. It was not a time nor place that I would ever have imagined would finally push me into a deeper relationship with Isis. She came back in dreams, in accidental occurrences. And I met T, who already had a devotional practice with Isis. I became interested in Thelema, which certainly has some Egyptian connections. Finally, still feeling that weird dissonance with my perception of her as a desert goddess, I jumped in and started feeding the relationship. I started learning her stories. I created an altar. I approached T about working through M. Isidora Forrest's Isis Magic, which felt like a good starting book, with a fusion of Hermetic, Egyptian and Wiccan influences.
I'm still figuring it all out, still trying to figure out why she's been so gently, but insistently there. That leads to the second question, of course, regarding connection. It wasn't until T outlined Isis's experience in the most skeletal way that I started to see a connection. There are several mythic connections in life events and experiences, and I would like to be as graceful. Isis could save other children, but not her own (Jasmine). Isis puts her husband back together but can't find all the pieces (my marriage). When anger is just, Isis wields it with justice (sort of my life's experience with anger, when I have it under control). And on and on. When T laid it out so matter-of-factly, I felt poleaxed. How had I missed it? So the connection I seek is that of strength and justice and nurturing.
During these conversations I also realized that I am not comfortable with any god/dess in the role of mother or father. I've never really sought this out or experienced it. Granted, that could be because I've worked primarily with gods such as the Morrighan and Dionysos, but I never really felt like it was missing. I don't know what to make of that. A therapist once suggested to me that I wasn't Christian because my dad was an alcoholic and I had dad issues. I promptly fired her and sought a better therapist. Still, that experience came back to me when I was considering the parental connection that many people seek from their gods. Maybe she had it completely backwards. Maybe the reason a patriarchal father figure god never worked for me is because I had such a great relationship with my dad, warts and all. Maybe I had the protection I needed. I don't know. At any rate, I know this isn't a connection I see, though I do find myself intrigued by Isis's mother role in a more mentoring way.
The interview in Astoria weighed on our conversation too. We have some great ideas for a group, and some healthy friction, but I don't see how that can happen if I move. And... I really love Portland. So I'm just going to hope that I find something here and don't have to move. Seems like it could be a good thing to do some Isis work with, no?
No comments :
Post a Comment